Still trying out different panel sizes and layouts and such. Man, why is it always the non-video game ones that take forever for me to finish?
END OF LINE
~A.H.
Still trying out different panel sizes and layouts and such. Man, why is it always the non-video game ones that take forever for me to finish?
END OF LINE
~A.H.
This is an elaboration of a correspondence I sent to Russ Pitts, Editor-In-Chief of “The Escapist”. This is in response to an eye-popping decision in their awards. For “Game of the Decade”, there are only three nominations.
I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in…
David Wong recently wrote a Cracked.com article called “5 Creepy Ways Video Games Are Trying To Get You Addicted“. It is a worrying read. All through it, I thought back to Left 4 Dead 2. Here is the worst kind of game, a needlessly awful, “hair-pulling frustratathon”, that for some reason makes you think the next time it won’t be so bad. The jackpot is always seemingly around the corner, and then you’ve lost several hours of your life just trying to get to the end of a campaign on freaking Normal mode.
Addictive gameplay can be a positive thing in certain video games. Not here. And to those of you who think I can’t make an opinion because I haven’t tried it on Xbox Live, you may proceed directly to kiss my ass, because I endured two separate, equally hellish month-long free trials to see if that theory holds weight. I don’t think this game has the capacity to ruin my life as much as Everquest and World of Warcraft have(and continue to do) for many people, but I won’t allow it the chance to try. I’m trading that shit in, and if they won’t accept it, I will set fire to it.
I’m not kidding. It is the first game since E.T. for the Atari that warrants having every remaining copy rounded up and destroyed, to spare future generations of its wrath.
by Alex Hill
It’s been so long since Aliens and Terminator 2, I’d forgotten what a good James Cameron movie looks like. “Avatar” is a movie of incredible sights and sounds, a peek at a bizarrely beautiful(and dangerous) world, of which Cameron and his staff have spent more than a decade crafting. The end product is a big, ambitious romp, some of the best popcorn entertainment this side of Star Wars. But perhaps it is overlong, and unlike Star Wars, the simplicity of its message works against it.
Announcer Bitch: Now here comes our next skier, representing China.
Announcer Douche: Boy, all of this snow must remind him of a bowl of rice.
I don’t remember who, or when, or what station, because normally the Olympics appeals to my interests just slightly less than detailed write-ups of the tax benefits for fake vomit companies. Maybe I just imagined it. But I could swear this is an actual thing that was said. On international television during one of the most-watched events in the world. By a Canadian.
No, really.
I am going to avoid the rest of the events, for fear of what vile word-sludge will seep out of their jaws next. Can you imagine what their response would be to a black contestant at the top of the hill?
Announcer Bitch: “…representing Kenya.”
Announcer Douche: “Boy, all of this snow must remind him of the cotton fields, BECAUSE 1950′S-ERA RACIALLY INSENSITIVITY IN 2010 IS OKAY, RIGHT????”
END OF LINE
~A.H.
by Alex Hill
There is a point in Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann where two robots the size of the milky way pile-drive each other through other, smaller galaxies. They use galaxies as ninja throwing stars. Surely, half of the universe dies because of this conflict, all to protect Earth. One planet, versus the trillions instantly obliterated in their intergalactic wrestling match(and countless googol deaths). For once, the bad guy, who tried to stop this from happening, has better priorities than the “heroes”.
Episodes 1-8:
OMG THERES THES BIG HUGE FUCKEN ROBOT MECH FUCKERZ AN SHIT AN TEHYR ALL BLAM KAPOW BOOM AN SHIT EXPLODS AND FLYS EVEYRWERE AND HOLY SHIT TAT CHICKS GOT HUGE TITZ LIKE HUGE FRIKKEN TITTIEZ BEST FUCKEN SHOW EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111#@@!$!^&635ONEONE
Episode 9:
OMG THERES THES BIG HUGE FUCKEN ROBOT MECH FUCKERZ AN SHIT AN TEHYR ALL BLAM KAPOW BOOM AN SHIT EXPLODS AND FLYS EVEYRWERE AND HOLY SHIT TAT CHICKS GOT HUGE TITZ LIKE HUGE FRIKKEN TITTIEZ BEST FUCKEN SHOW EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111#@@!$!^&635ONEONE
The first is sarcasm. The second is not. No program has inspired more people I respect to bug me to watch it. Everyone who has ever met this show and demanded I witness it for myself have said the same thing:
“The show doesn’t pick up until episode 8.”
There are three unavoidable things in life:
-Taxes
-Death
-and articles about how awesome cartoon show theme music used to be.
This won’t be a top 10 list. We’re all sick of those. But when discussing theme songs about transforming dinosaurs that shoot lasers at skeleton monsters, one must give props to the classics. “Transformers”. “Jem”. “The Raccoons”. The eighties had no short supply of kickass cartoon openings.
But for my money, the renaissance started to kick in with the full swing of the 90’s. We had Batman: The Animated Series aping the music from the Tim Burton movie. The American “Digimon” theme. X-Men the Animated Series. Iggy Pop’s “Monster Men” for the show “Space Goofs”. Many of the “Steven Spielberg presents…” cartoons as well, like Tiny Toons, Animaniacs and Freakazoid all had catchy opening numbers. Cybersix. If you haven’t heard any of those, get your butt on down to Youtube. You’ve got some catching up to do.
Disney might have the best track record for cartoon theme songs. Even if the quality of the show immediately after the songs were about as entertaining as a root canal. A root canal by a goat farmer who refuses to wash his hands. From the House of Mouse we got the theme songs to “Duck Tales”, “Tale Spin”, “Bonkers!”, “Gummi Bears” and fucking “Gargoyles”. I think to consider yourself a musical success, you need only compose half that many boss theme songs in your time on planet Earth.
It occurs to me(after much more thought than is healthy) that perhaps no theme song, cartoon or otherwise, is more instantly recognizable than that of a certain cartoon theme song. Can you guess which one?
My favourite theme song comes courtesy of Doctor Who, but Cracked.com pointed out that you can’t go into any random location with people, start the first few notes of the Doctor Who theme and have everyone be on the same page. There are starving children in Africa who have never heard of a television, and they know this theme by heart. It has become tattooed on our musical subconscious.
That is why, if ever our planet is called upon to represent itself among other space-faring species, in some Intergalactic United Nations, I nominate this song to be our planet’s anthem.
Kids would be more than happy to go to school, if they had to sing THAT every morning, their hands pressed to their little hearts. That is how you start the day, goddamn it. That is how you get kids to take an interest in learning, and it’s good to show pride for your space rock.
END OF LINE
~A.H.
10. Nick
-To think that anything could flower from such rot. The only character in Left 4 Dead 2 that appealed to me was “Nick”. He plays off of the con-man shtick you’ve seen in zombie movies a million times, but with a twist: He’s not just looking out for himself. The archetype would be a deceiver, a cheat, a coward and an antagonist. Nick is supposed to be the self-absorbed grump, the sarcastic loner with the fancy suit. He seems at first the most annoyed by Ellis, a pessimist foil to Coach’s zeal and a lecher to Rochelle.
But listen to his dialogue, and his tone: his jabbings at the country-boy are in jest, playful even(their relationship is like a nicer Phantos and Al). He admits simple, honest respect for Coach, and something a little deeper for Rochelle. He never says “thank you”, and he’d never admit it, but I think he threw away the con-man bullshit very early on. And he is the most visibly appalled by the innocent casualties in later levels. To die by zombies is one thing, but even this swindler can see a lot of people have been robbed.
Hugh Dillon gives perhaps the only worthy performance in this game. He does not play a good man, but through the apocalypse we find he is capable of humanity, more than he may give himself credit for. Under those expensive clothes there’s actually a person inside.
“Bullet-Hell” games are notoriously difficult side-scrolling(or top-down) shooters in Japan. Usually starring girls in french maid uniforms instead of anything actually capable of firing ammunition for some reason. They don’t often make the jump stateside, but apparently that’s going to change for something called “Deathsmiles”.
According to publisher Aksys’s Cherie Baker, a western audience will soon know the joys of “little girls flying through a gothic otherworld to destroy the horrific, necrotic Imperator Tyrannosatan.”
Tyrannosatan.
No, really.
TYRANNOSATAN! Don’t tell me you wouldn’t localize the shit out of any game whose lead villain was called that.
PUBLISHER: “So, it’s a game with a very low, niche stateside audience, with subject matter that can’t be marketed to anyone, ever, and is impossible to play for a generation of people accustomed to save-states and Easy modes holding their hands?”
DEVELOPER: “Correct. But the last boss is called “Tyrannosatan”.
PUBLISHER: “How much money do you want? You know what, I’ll just write a blank check. I trust you.”
END OF LINE
~A.H.
It occurred to me the other day that perhaps I was being unfair in my open letter to Gabe Newell, and in fact my review of Left 4 Dead 2. I criticized those who only played online and ignored the single-player content. I said they were “only playing half of the game”.
Well wasn’t I doing the same? I was only playing the single-player content. Until recently, I never had the means to try it online. Now I have.
In fact, if you join Xbox Live today, you too can experience the never-ending anguish that is trying to play any modern video game online!
Oh boy, where do I sign up?!
My friend let me borrow his Xbox Live adaptor doo-hickey, and we made a new account to see what the deal is all about. It is exactly as terrible as I imagined it would. Do people really pay money for this crap? Yeah, if you happen to magically avoid all of the above, it can be fun. Maybe. But it accounts for 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000001% of all of the time spent on Live. The reward doesn’t come close to making up for the unimaginable torment of TRYING to find that one golden game.
Now do you see why I play the Single-Player content? At least bots don’t rage-quit while insulting my mother for a slow connection on their end. Life is too short for Xbox Live.
END OF LINE
~A.H.