Half-Masked

Episodes 1-8:

OMG THERES THES BIG HUGE FUCKEN ROBOT MECH FUCKERZ AN SHIT AN TEHYR ALL BLAM KAPOW BOOM AN SHIT EXPLODS AND FLYS EVEYRWERE AND HOLY SHIT TAT CHICKS GOT HUGE TITZ LIKE HUGE FRIKKEN TITTIEZ BEST FUCKEN SHOW EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111#@@!$!^&635ONEONE

Episode 9:

OMG THERES THES BIG HUGE FUCKEN ROBOT MECH FUCKERZ AN SHIT AN TEHYR ALL BLAM KAPOW BOOM AN SHIT EXPLODS AND FLYS EVEYRWERE AND HOLY SHIT TAT CHICKS GOT HUGE TITZ LIKE HUGE FRIKKEN TITTIEZ BEST FUCKEN SHOW EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111#@@!$!^&635ONEONE

The first is sarcasm. The second is not. No program has inspired more people I respect to bug me to watch it. Everyone who has ever met this show and demanded I witness it for myself have said the same thing:

“The show doesn’t pick up until episode 8.”

Read the rest of this entry »

There are three unavoidable things in life:

-Taxes
-Death
-and articles about how awesome cartoon show theme music used to be.

This won’t be a top 10 list. We’re all sick of those. But when discussing theme songs about transforming dinosaurs that shoot lasers at skeleton monsters, one must give props to the classics. “Transformers”. “Jem”. “The Raccoons”. The eighties had no short supply of kickass cartoon openings.

But for my money, the renaissance started to kick in with the full swing of the 90’s. We had Batman: The Animated Series aping the music from the Tim Burton movie. The American “Digimon” theme. X-Men the Animated Series. Iggy Pop’s “Monster Men” for the show “Space Goofs”. Many of the “Steven Spielberg presents…” cartoons as well, like Tiny Toons, Animaniacs and Freakazoid all had catchy opening numbers. Cybersix. If you haven’t heard any of those, get your butt on down to Youtube. You’ve got some catching up to do.

Disney might have the best track record for cartoon theme songs. Even if the quality of the show immediately after the songs were about as entertaining as a root canal. A root canal by a goat farmer who refuses to wash his hands. From the House of Mouse we got the theme songs to “Duck Tales”, “Tale Spin”, “Bonkers!”, “Gummi Bears” and fucking “Gargoyles”. I think to consider yourself a musical success, you need only compose half that many boss theme songs in your time on planet Earth.

It occurs to me(after much more thought than is healthy) that perhaps no theme song, cartoon or otherwise, is more instantly recognizable than that of a certain cartoon theme song. Can you guess which one?

My favourite theme song comes courtesy of Doctor Who, but Cracked.com pointed out that you can’t go into any random location with people, start the first few notes of the Doctor Who theme and have everyone be on the same page. There are starving children in Africa who have never heard of a television, and they know this theme by heart. It has become tattooed on our musical subconscious.

That is why, if ever our planet is called upon to represent itself among other space-faring species, in some Intergalactic United Nations, I nominate this song to be our planet’s anthem.

Kids would be more than happy to go to school, if they had to sing THAT every morning, their hands pressed to their little hearts. That is how you start the day, goddamn it. That is how you get kids to take an interest in learning, and it’s good to show pride for your space rock.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

10. Nick

-To think that anything could flower from such rot. The only character in Left 4 Dead 2 that appealed to me was “Nick”. He plays off of the con-man shtick you’ve seen in zombie movies a million times, but with a twist: He’s not just looking out for himself. The archetype would be a deceiver, a cheat, a coward and an antagonist. Nick is supposed to be the self-absorbed grump, the sarcastic loner with the fancy suit. He seems at first the most annoyed by Ellis, a pessimist foil to Coach’s zeal and a lecher to Rochelle.

But listen to his dialogue, and his tone: his jabbings at the country-boy are in jest, playful even(their relationship is like a nicer Phantos and Al). He admits simple, honest respect for Coach, and something a little deeper for Rochelle. He never says “thank you”, and he’d never admit it, but I think he threw away the con-man bullshit very early on. And he is the most visibly appalled by the innocent casualties in later levels. To die by zombies is one thing, but even this swindler can see a lot of people have been robbed.

Hugh Dillon gives perhaps the only worthy performance in this game. He does not play a good man, but through the apocalypse we find he is capable of humanity, more than he may give himself credit for. Under those expensive clothes there’s actually a person inside.

Read the rest of this entry »

“Bullet-Hell” games are notoriously difficult side-scrolling(or top-down) shooters in Japan. Usually starring girls in french maid uniforms instead of anything actually capable of firing ammunition for some reason. They don’t often make the jump stateside, but apparently that’s going to change for something called “Deathsmiles”.

According to publisher Aksys’s Cherie Baker, a western audience will soon know the joys of “little girls flying through a gothic otherworld to destroy the horrific, necrotic Imperator Tyrannosatan.”

Tyrannosatan.

No, really.

TYRANNOSATAN! Don’t tell me you wouldn’t localize the shit out of any game whose lead villain was called that.

PUBLISHER: “So, it’s a game with a very low, niche stateside audience, with subject matter that can’t be marketed to anyone, ever, and is impossible to play for a generation of people accustomed to save-states and Easy modes holding their hands?”

DEVELOPER: “Correct. But the last boss is called “Tyrannosatan”.

PUBLISHER: “How much money do you want? You know what, I’ll just write a blank check. I trust you.”

END OF LINE

~A.H.

It occurred to me the other day that perhaps I was being unfair in my open letter to Gabe Newell, and in fact my review of Left 4 Dead 2. I criticized those who only played online and ignored the single-player content. I said they were “only playing half of the game”.

Well wasn’t I doing the same? I was only playing the single-player content. Until recently, I never had the means to try it online. Now I have.

In fact, if you join Xbox Live today, you too can experience the never-ending anguish that is trying to play any modern video game online!

• -Experience the soul-crushing frustration of being kicked out of lobbies within six milliseconds of your joining!
• -Try to co-ordinate an offensive against skilled opponents, only to lose miserably because your team-mate keeps purposely killing you over and over again for fun!
• -Build camaraderie with absolutely no one, because everyone else on your team rage-quitted. Because it looked like you weren’t completely annihilating the enemy team in the first 10 seconds of a Five Round match!
• -Pay good money just to hear the garbled transmissions of tiny racists!
• -Set up your own custom lobby for wacky times, only to waste away the few precious moments you have left on planet Earth as no one ever decides to join your game!
• -Dozens of levels to choose from, but for some reason everyone only wants to play on the same stupid fucking stage over and over again(FINAL DESTINATION!)
• -Join friends online, except not, because they’re never on when you are, and if they are they’re usually busy playing a game you don’t own until 3 in the morning!
• -Try to have fun, only to realize that if any of the 8-24 players doesn’t have an alien supercomputer from the future, game-killing lag will render enjoyment impossible!
• -In-game downloadable hats! ONLY $15!
• -Somehow avoid all of this bullshit and end up in a lag-free, asshole-vacant game, only to wind up fighting a team of Super-Gods who defeat you so thoroughly, even  the memories of you from everyone you met in real life are erased from time!

Oh boy, where do I sign up?!

My friend let me borrow his Xbox Live adaptor doo-hickey, and we made a new account to see what the deal is all about. It is exactly as terrible as I imagined it would. Do people really pay money for this crap? Yeah, if you happen to magically avoid all of the above, it can be fun. Maybe. But it accounts for 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000001% of all of the time spent on Live. The reward doesn’t come close to making up for the unimaginable torment of TRYING to find that one golden game.

Now do you see why I play the Single-Player content? At least bots don’t rage-quit while insulting my mother for a slow connection on their end. Life is too short for Xbox Live.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Mr. Newell,

How would you define a video game that is glitchy, impossible-to-play garbage, where defeat is always due to unreasonable demands and outright cheating on the part of the computer? A game crafted by people without any confidence or respect in their work, and no concern for the enjoyment of their audience. Games that don’t care when their own rules fall apart at the expense of the player, and are rushed out the door when they could still use a few more months in the oven. A game utterly contemptuous of standards of quality, and for the poor souls who might purchase it.

The popular term is “shovelware”. I call it “Left 4 Dead 2“.

Read the rest of this entry »

I played Prince of Persia (2008) today. It’s going pretty good, up until it remembers it’s a modern day Prince of Persia game, so not even 10% of the way through the game starts throwing in blind jumps. Blind jumps in a video game are unacceptable. –>UNACCEPTABLE<–. They show an appalling lack of creativity and technical skill. They are an admission of inadequacy from the developer.

Read the rest of this entry »

In the last ten years, I have been introduced to my favourite television show, one of my favourite video games, and my favourite person. I have changed, and I have not. I have improved as an artist and a writer, and have even managed to be a smidgen less immature(just a smidgen). And as recently as this month, for the first time I saw my characters come to life, thanks to “Crispy” of Deviant Dead. Thanks to the interwebtron, I have been exposed to a colourful gallery of scalawags. These things have greatly improved the quality of my life, and my world-view. For this I am grateful.

On the other hand, I went through a teenage depression so severe I had to exile myself to recover, and to avoid taking it out on the people I care about. In doing this, I lost many opportunities to get closer to certain people I will never see again. I have contributed a few things, but I am left with many regrets.

I”ll consider the last decade a draw. What I have to look forward to in 2010:

• -A hugh-jass series of “Best Of…” lists for the last ten years.
• -”Phoenix”, A Halo 3 Machinima series
• -A revamped, less angry take on my awful webcomic.
• -More drawings
• -Less Doucheyness
• -and my forgetting this new years resolution in less than a month. <_<

END OF DECADE

~A.H.

by Alex Hill

Left 4 Dead 2 may be the most toxic experience you can get from a video game. It is unfit for human consumption, without a doubt the worst example of this medium in the last ten years. It has the most game-killing glitches, and the worst design-choices born from innate contempt for its audience. Worse than anything I’ve ever seen. Worse than Hotel Mario. Worse than “Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties”. Worse than that root canal I had where the freezing wore off halfway, and the television in the same room featured Kelly and Regis interviewing Larry the Cable Guy.

I’m not entirely convinced it deserves a rating, because that would suggest merit. One could say that a game this addicting must surely have something redeeming. Heroin is addictive too. I guess this game is better than being addicted to heroin, but I’m really reaching here.

But, you know, it’s a lot gorier now. Because that’s what’s important.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tomorrow, I will observe the first anniversary of the day I sat down and actually watched an episode of Azumanga Daioh. I mentioned it in passing on my blog, unaware that an entire series of articles would follow. I examined and celebrated the show and its characters, and those posts marked my progress of thought from the first to the last episode. From this, I came to an astonishing conclusion: I have never enjoyed television more.

Read the rest of this entry »