Half-Masked

(The following is a post I made on video game music in the Bob and George forums. Since I recently did a comic about my favourite game soundtrack ever, I felt like posting it here too, so you can truly understand what an obsessive dork I am about this sort of thing. I won’t go into too much depth about these OST’s, because let’s face it, there’s not enough room on the internet for my mad ramblings on video game music. I was also considering posting youtube links for each song I mention, but I don’t think it’d be hard or inconvenient for any of you to do a youtube search yourselves.

I consider this list mandatory listening material for anyone serious about appreciating video game music:)

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Halo 3:

Wasn’t too big on Halo 2’s soundtrack, but that was due to the instrument choices and sound quality more than the composition. As if Marty O’Donnell telepathically knew of my complaints, he took that music which resulted in a resounding “meh” from me, and improved on it in Halo 3 until it was up to movie-standards…. and added some new tracks that kick just as much butt. A lot of modern FPS games tend to use overblown, John Williams-ey music that sounds like it’s trying too hard and not hard enough at the same time. But something about Halo 3’s music blossoms in otherwise unfertile soil. I was really impressed with this one.

COMPOSERS: Marty O’ Donnell, Michael Salvatore
RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “Choose Wisely”, “Infiltrate”, “Black Tower”, “Wake Me When You Need Me”, “Tribute”.

~======~

Soul Calibur III:

I like how Namco’s composers used actual instruments, and then based the themes around those. They were bragging a lot about how the game’s sound was “THX-certified”, and they’ve got every right. Half of the time, the synthesizer stuff accompanying the woodwind instruments and such are almost convincingly real. It also has the best intro music I’ve heard in a fighting game.

COMPOSERS: Junichi Nakatsuru, Keiko Kobayashi, Ryuchi Takada.
RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “Hour of Destiny”, “Fearless Eyes”, “No Regrets”, “Ephemeral Dream”, “Path of Destiny”.

~======~

Shadow of the Colossus:

I don’t even know how much of this is done with an orchestra, or is just clever sound-work, but I don’t care. If a lot of it isn’t done with real instruments and musicians, it’s the closest any game soundtrack has come to replicating that kind of sound experience. It doesn’t hurt that the compositions are just mindblowing, some of the most incredible music put to the art form.

COMPOSER: Ko Ohtani
RECOMMENDED TRACKS: Picking the best tracks from this game is kind of like choosing the wettest rain-drop, or the snarkiest Something Awful forum member. You really couldn’t go wrong even picking songs at random.

~======~

Phantasy Star Online, Ep. I & II:

Sonic Team may not have the best handle on making a smooth and intuitive gameplay experience, but their music team is top-notch. From a longing, nostalgic feel of the level themes, to the catchy synth-stuff of Pioneer 2, to the edge-of-your-seat monster encounter and boss battle songs, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better soundtrack in a Sega game.

COMPOSERS: Hideaki Kobayashi, Fumie Kumatani.
RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “Cry, for IDOLA the Holy”, “Mother Earth of Dishonesty PART 1″, “After The Story 2″, “Revolution To The Origin PART 2″, “”The Whole New World”.

~======~

Chrono Trigger:

Oh come on, this one really should not go without saying. More amazing than how utterly perfect the music in this game is, it was Yasunori Mitsuda’s first gig for video game composing! And he worked himself so hard to make sure it sounded as awesome as it does, that he developed stomach ulcers and had to be hospitalized, while Nobuo Uematsu rounded off the last few tracks. Talk about devotion.

COMPOSERS: Yasunori Mitsuda, Nobuo Uematsu, Noriko Matsueda
RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “Chrono Trigger”, “Tyran Castle”, “Peaceful Day”, “Secret of the Forest”, “Undersea Palace”, “Corridors of Time”, “Schala’s Theme”. (YES, I listed 7 instead of 5, shut up.)

~======~

Chrono Cross:

I hated this game. I hated the battle system, I hated the characters, and I hated the story, which is the most impossibly convoluted in any video game, putting even the Metal Gear series to shame. But Mitsuda swung another one out of the park with the music. It’s about the only thing I’d consider salvageable in this mess. A mostly celtic, acoustic affair, with some very heart-rending compositions. Like Halo 3, Chrono Cross has a gem of a soundtrack buried deep in a pile of crap.

COMPOSER: Yasunori Mitsuda
RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “Chronopolis”, “Singing Emotions”, “Radical Dreamers”, “People Seized With Life”, “Life ‘Faraway Promise’”.

~======~

Final Fantasy Tactics:

One of the most depressing games ever also has one of the finest video game soundtracks accompanying it. This was back when Hitoshi Sakimoto and Masaharu Iwata still had a wad of talent to shoot, before setting a new low for Final Fantasy music with FFXII.

COMPOSERS: Hitoshi Sakimoto, Masaharu Iwata
RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “In Pursuit”, “Run Past Through The Plain”, “Tutorial”, “Apoplexy” “Staff Credit”.

~======~

And just about everything Nobuo Uematsu has ever done:

Except for the last boss battle track from Lost Odyssey. I don’t know what went wrong there.

~======~

You know what, throw in just about any Mega Man game soundtrack in here as well.

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Coming up: my favourite movie soundtracks.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

This one will be shorter than my Games Soundtrack list, I promise. But that’s mostly because I don’t see as many movies as I have played video games.

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The Shawshank Redemption:

Retrocrush.com SAYS they’re doing a list of the Greatest Movie Music Moments(I think Robert Berry is wee-bit full of shit however, as he’s been singing to that tune for a long time). Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if half of that list belonged to this movie. From the piano composition when Tim Robbins’ character is first introduced and integrated into the shattering prison-life, to the longing music accompanying Morgan Freeman’s character as he searches a countryside for a favour left by his friend, Thomas Newman’s soundtrack takes what is already great film and transformed it into a priceless artifact of the 1990’s. You also have an utterly perfect use of “If I Didn’t Care” by the Ink Spots, and “The Marriage of Figaro”.

It is not always “uplifting” music, nor does it have to be. But when it is, it fucking IS, in part because it is first a haunting score, that shows just how to close these characters are to being crushed between the walls provided to them, and the walls they’ve built for themselves. Redemption comes, but not always, and only barely.

COMPOSER: Thomas Newman

RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “New Fish”, “Compass And Guns”, “Zihuatanejo”, “So Was Red”, “The Shawshank Redemption”.

~======~

The Dark Knight:

I’ve rarely heard such a visceral, powerful theme of sounds in a movie before. The things Hans Zimmer can do never cease to amaze me, and James Newton Howard isn’t exactly a liability here either with his gorgeous “Harvey-Two Face” theme. The Joker’s theme music alone is chaotic magnificence enough to validate buying the CD, and its influence is notable; his music seems to invade many of the other tracks in the score to show his presence.

I can’t even identify half of the sounds being used, but they’re assembled perfectly to get the feeling of terrible, escalating danger better than any overblown brass-orchestra treatment that we normally get in action movies.

Batsy’s new theme is terrific too, an effective send-off for the 2nd film(I like how there’s even a bit of a Vangelis feel to it). It’s not triumphant and uplifting like Danny Elfman’s, instead portraying a collapsing world struggling to stay standing, and at a grim cost that may just overshadow the reward of keeping things from falling apart.

COMPOSERS: Hans Zimmer, James Newton Howard

RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “Why So Serious”, “Harvey Two-Face”, “Aggressive Expansion”, “Watch The World Burn”, “A Dark Knight”.

~======~

Batman Begins:

As much as I like The Dark Knight’s soundtrack, I love the music in Batman Begins. Whereas TDK’s is more about immediate danger, and a seething violent storm approaching Gotham, Batman Begins’ music focuses more on the tragedy of Bruce Wayne’s life, and the unfortunate state of Gotham City which he tries to improve in his own, strangely therapeutic way. That means it’s more about the characters, their pasts, their motivations, and their attempts to maintain the sanity of their world against odds they know are next-to-impossible to overcome on their own. That’s why there are few selections from the OST that would suit a car-chase scene.

But I LIKE that. In fact, I was disappointed that The Dark Knight only really had two or three songs devoted to these characters, instead of those same characters rushing to keep stuff from exploding. Here it’s the exact opposite. Most of the soundtrack is about these people’s fears, that their way of life has taken a slide into the muck and they may never be able to climb out. The only person who can help them now is a man who has nothing to lose by delving deeper into the waste to pull them out. And throughout, it begs the question: How much can Batman dirty himself to keep his city clean?

COMPOSERS: Hans Zimmer, James Newton Howard.

RECOMMEND TRACKS: The soundtrack plays out not so much like one giant song, but they still feel connected, like the musical equivalent of Voltron. And like Voltron, separating them into individual tracks would weaken it. So take your pick. There really is not a single wrong piece of music here.

~======~

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within:

This one’s probably the roughest around the edges of the soundtracks listed here. While it’s clear that some parts of the music tend to drag on a bit to meet up with the action occurring on-screen, this is still one of my favourite soundtracks. It’s too bad that Nobuo Uematsu, the series’ infamous mainstay composer, didn’t contribute to it, but Elliot Goldenthaal’s compositions here really worked for me.

Sometimes there’s that overblown brass-orchestra wankery I mentioned earlier, but for the most part, the music communicates a world already conquered, and the conflict between sensibility and faith(except here the unthinking fanatic is on the side of science and technology, and the spiritual types are the ones pleading against damaging ignorance).

COMPOSER: Elliot Goldenthaal

RECOMMENDED TRACKS: “Zeus Cannon, “The Phantom Plains”, “Adagio and Transformation”, “The Kiss”, “The Dream Within”.

~======~

Fantasia:

I totally get why some people are apprehensive about Disney movies. Most of the time they never amount to anything more than tremendously stupid eye-candy. But despite their flaws, I can’t bring myself to really despise their films. And Fantasia(the original, I haven’t seen 2000 so I couldn’t tell you either way about that one) isn’t just one of my favourite movie soundtracks, it’s probably my favourite movie, period. A breathtaking unison of music and animation without the awful, intelligence-insulting lyrics and singing. Watching and listening to it even on grainy old VHS leaves me amazed and stupefied every time.

It’s also probably the scariest thing Disney’s ever done. I’m not even talking about the Night on Bald Mountain sequence, either. The prehistoric sequence and even the opening act were the source of nightmares for me as a youngin’, and not much has changed since then. This also gives it the distinction of being the -awesomest- Disney movie ever(I would have enjoyed The Little Mermaid a lot more if it featured two dinosaurs brutally killing each other, or demons and ghosts dancing around in an orgy of hellfire).

COMPOSERS: A lot.

RECOMMENDED TRACKS: A lot more.

~======~

The entire Lord of the Rings trilogy:

Howard Shore, you do damn-good work.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

(I received a request for my thoughts on some recent political happenings in Canada. Perhaps I’m not the one to talk to about Canadian politics[I didn't vote in the last election, after all]. I generally try to avoid it, because like most political backdrops, Canadian politics has all of the dignity and intellectual honesty of a circus. Where none of the trapeze artists rehearsed their routines, and where the elephant is seriously pissed off about something and craps on the audience.

Whenever I see those Parliament meetings on tv, our “representatives” always seem on the brink of having one of those childish slapping fights with each other instead of getting anything done[at least in Congress they just resort to giving each other the stink-eye and talking s%@! about each other behind their backs].

That said, don’t expect my thoughts on the Coalition matter to be very reliable. In fact, my views on political issues are probably even more retarded than my thoughts and opinions on Batman, so don’t say I didn’t warn you)

After some light reading on the subject, it appears the other parties are being sore losers about losing the election. Not that I can blame them. Harper’s done some stupid crap(or rather, failed to do very much in some cases*COUGHKyotoAccordCOUGH*). But I think the reasons why he was re-elected comes down to two key points:

1. Despite his inherent crappy-ness, he’s still managed to screw up considerably less than most of us tend to expect from the Conservative party.

   &

2. He doesn’t look like a cartoon character, that creepy uncle who touched you in your bad place that one Christmas eve, or the guy who may be a figment of Montreal’s collective imagination. It doesn’t matter if these guys would make for the best leadership Canada’s ever seen, there is something to be said about image, and that affects the voter’s perception of the candidates they have to choose from. It’d be like if Barack Obama wore a ballerina’s costume and a fake moustache to every speech. I can’t take these people seriously. They’re hilarious. A lot of people were fed up with Chrétien as PM, I don’t know why getting someone wackier would be a good idea.

Frankly, the reason I didn’t even register to vote is because that whole election was like choosing between the electric chair, lethal injection or a firing squad. And for all of Dion’s and Layton’s talk, I really don’t have any confidence in either of them to run this country. I get the feeling that them voting down every bill the Harper government tries to pass, and maybe dismantling his leadership would cause Canada more harm than good. I don’t like that Harper won, but he won. I’m not opposed to the idea of Liberal leadership, and I’ve been wrong about these things before, but right now I wouldn’t trust Dion or the NDP with my laundry, let alone my country. =/

END OF LINE

~A.H.

The following is what I would do, given the resources, permission and funding required, to fix Kefka in Final Fantasy VI. I always felt he was a weak, 1-dimensional villain, right down there with ExDeath and Zemus(odd coincidence that they’re all from the SNES era games). This list of “suggestions” is, essentially, the dreaded, fiendish clawed shadow of fan-fiction. I apologize in advance. It does mess quite a bit with established continuity, or “G-Canon“, but most of the stuff that actually is canon in FFVI is pretty fucking stupid anyway, so it’s no big loss.

That, and it’s really, really super-nerdy. But you should be used to that from this website by now.

KEFKA
EDWARD! How long has it been???

EDGAR
Edgar.

KEFKA
Right, sure. Hey, come here, gimme a hug… Aww, come on! How often do you get to see your bestest buddy in the empire, eh? Come here, *hugs him very enthusiastically, making EDGAR very uncomfortable* COME HERE YOU! There we go! Ah? *is about to pull away, but then forcefully hugs EDGAR again, patting him on the back* OH YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND. There we go. Hey, how are you doing?

EDGAR
I’m alright.

KEFKA
Great, listen, where are you hiding the witch?

EDGAR
…I beg your pardon?

KEFKA
Let’s not do this, Edgar. Your kingdom and ours have been allies for quite some time now. Haven’t we treated you right?

EDGAR
How did you treat Kohlingen?

KEFKA
Kohlingen, who remembers Kohlingen? They’re no Figaro, I can tell you that! Eh? Isn’t that right, fellas?

SOLDIER 1
Uh… Yeah.

SOLDIER 2
No uh, no place better-

KEFKA
Okay, shut up. We’re on good terms, your uh… “majesty”… How do you think it would make my Emperor feel if you, say, housed a defecting Magitek Soldier? That’s our property, you know. Friends respect each other’s property, don’t they?

EDGAR
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

KEFKA
A woman. The exact nature of this situation is a classified matter, I’m sure you understand. But I can tell you at some point she, either of her own free will or from certain convincing, has abandoned her duties. We suspect she came through here. Have you seen any women pass through here in the last few days?

EDGAR
Heh… are you kidding? Do you have any idea how many young women make a pilgrimage here, just to see the handsomest King in Figaro? Between you and me, more women have gotten into this castle than wayward grains of sand(refers to Kefka’s boots, which have accumulated more sand).

KEFKA
*laughs* You, sir, you… are a FFFFFUNNY guy!

EDGAR
Hmm. Well, I’m sure you understand I can’t possibly keep track of every single young admirer-

KEFKA
She has green hair.

EDGAR
…Come again?

KEFKA
Green.

EDGAR
…Green?

KEFKA
Yes.

EDGAR
…You mean like, a dark blonde?

KEFKA
No.

EDGAR
…Like, leaves?

KEFKA
Brighter.

EDGAR
…I certainly hope a woman who looks like that doesn’t come through these parts.

KEFKA
Oh, my dear, incorruptable Edgar, you only stand to lose by protecting her. Uh, me and my men will be camping out nearby. You know, so we can keep an eye on our good friends in Castle Figaro. When you’re ready to start being honest with me, I’ll just be around the corner. Until then… Oh dear, I- I just had a terrible thought… Wouldn’t it just be dreadful if something were to happen to your precious kingdom? Oh, just the thought takes the smile from my face. Wouldn’t that just be awful, Edgar, if something happened to your people because you didn’t want to co-operate? Hmm? Wouldn’t that just be the worst thing ever?

EDGAR
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that was a threat, Kefka.

KEFKA
Do I look like a man of subtlety? I’ll see you around, good King Figaro.

—

SHADOW
That’s inhuman!

KEFKA
Well I’m glad SOMEBODY noticed!

—

CYAN
I shall tear the war-paint from your skull, Kefka!!

KEFKA
Aww, it’s cute that you think this is paint… (licks his thumb, and smears it on his face. The markings do not smudge or fade. He even rubs his cheek a bit to get the point across, and the designs on his face stay as they are). This is all me. And every year the marks get a little bit… worse(he rolls up his sleeve, to reveal white skin with intricate red designs flowing down his arm, showing that he looks like this throughout his entire body). I think it has to do with how many people I… kill with my bare hands. People, such as yourself for example. I made an example of Doma, I can do the same for you if you’d like?

—

KEFKA
Hey! It’s story-time! Once upon a time, (are you still with me here, do you want me to slow down? No? Okay). Once upon a time, there were these putrid, sniveling, self-absorbed vermin called “Humans”. The gods looked on these pathetic little monstrosities, profaning their planet and all its’ creations, and decided they were a failed experiment. But instead of just wiping the slate clean and starting over, they took pity on these depressing things, and joined the road to self-pity. They sealed their powers away in statues, and then, like idiots, left them in the world for these greedy little monsters to abuse for their own sake. Eventually they fought amongst each other for control, because if it’s one thing I’ve noticed about you uh… “people”, it’s that you don’t like sharing your toys. No, it all has to be YOURS. And if you don’t believe me, look who I’m working for.

TERRA
Then why do you swear allegiance to the Empire?

KEKFA
Hey, it’s good to be on the winning team. Anyway, one faction of you primates got the brilliant idea that they could kick the other tribe’s asses if they fused themselves with the gift of magic! So, they chipped away little pieces of the Statues, joined with those shards, and in doing so became even more horrible things. Some of them were so disfigured, you could hardly tell they were bipedal at one point. But they had the strength of hundreds, and they began… *ugh, urp*… breeding, quite soon.

TERRA
Espers?

KEFKA
Yes! See, you know what I’m talking about. Now, if it had just ended there, the Espers would have total control of this world. But that’s not the case, is it? The other factions took a different approach. Some tribes decided to enhance their bodies at the cost of their appearance, the other factions decided to improve their technology with shards from their Statues. Guess which side won… Come on, it’s easy. Starts with an Eeeeee-

TERRA
Empire.

KEFKA
EMPIRE! Good girl! Now, with Espers, generally you don’t fuck around with ‘em. Unless you’ve got a suit of armour impervious to their attacks and reflects their spells back at them. Being equipped with long-range weaponry that quickly reduces their life span helps too. See, you can’t “kill” an Esper. They die, yes, and much sooner than humans, but the only thing that can claim them is mother nature.

TERRA
Then how…?

KEFKA
I’m glad you asked! See, instead of just barraging them with fireballs and ammunition, we develop certain techniques and spells that speed up the aging process, so to speak. Then we aim in their general direction. It helps to hold them down. This is why the Empire needs so many new recruits. Most of ‘em get in the crossfire and have to retire early.

TERRA
Do you throw them away too? Do you toss what’s left of your soldiers into a garbage disposal?

KEFKA
…You heard about that, didn’t you? Speaking on the record, there is no “bone-room” for the Espers. (taps his nose twice, smiles) Besides, Emperor Gestahl offers a lovely retirement package. It’s a shame so many soldiers die mysteriously on the battlefield weeks, even days before their retirement. Strange.

TERRA
He can’t run an Empire like this forever. What will you do when the last Esper is… used up? Will you kill me, and use my “gift” to further the Empire’s ambition?

KEFKA
Oh, you don’t have to worry, I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.

TERRA
Your words are valueless!

KEFKA
Hey! That’s cold! Besides, you’re only half-Esper. I wouldn’t dare let your pretty face come to harm. Besides, if you died, then we couldn’t have nice little chats like this! No, I’d miss you too much. You’re my precious, precious dolly.

TERRA
…So… I alone would be the last proof that the Espers ever existed.

KEFKA
…You are not alone… Someone had to inform the Empire about the little hole the Espers carved out for themselves. They needed an inside-man for that.

TERRA
…You…!

KEFKA
Before I came along, they didn’t know anything. A lot of the stuff I just told you was lost knowledge to Gesthal and the like. And even then, they needed an Esper to open the gate from the outside.

TERRA
You’re… You sold out your own kind!

KEFKA
They are not like me. There is no one else on this earth like me. Except you and Celes(but frankly she’s a bit of a wet blanket. Great tits, but not much personality to go with ‘em). Really though, why should I concern myself with the problems of an extinct species? Besides, that was two days ago. Quit living in the past.

TERRA
You took my family… You stole that from me! You stole my memories, my family, my childhood-!

KEFKA
Now hold on, think about this for a ’sec: What do you think your parents wanted? They wanted you to have a better life. They wanted you to really -live- without having to hide in the armpit of the old world. They wanted you to see plains, mountains, valleys, towns, other people! They wanted you to have three square-meals a day, a dependable line of work, and a roof over your head. The Empire provided all of that and more. We even made sure you’d never have to use that pretty little head of yours for anything. We’ve always been here to tell you what to do. And we trained you, until you became as strong as you are. I’ve watched you grow up from that cute little freak of nature, into the strong, fearless young woman before me. I’m proud of ya, kid. And you know, I think your mommy and daddy would be too.

TERRA
…Why do you concern yourself with me? I’m half of everything you hate.

KEFKA
…Hmm… Come to think of it, I’m not sure. Can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s just something about you that reminds me of me.

TERRA
…I remind you of… you.

KEFKA
Yeah! I mean, we both look at the bright side. Or maybe, it’s because you’re such a good person, that you can’t even comprehend someone as awful as me existing. So you try, with all of your adorable might, to find something about me, something buried deep, that might explain me off as human. I’m not. I am not a good person, and anyone else can see the monster. But you? You TRY to find something human about me. You’re surprised and upset when I say and do things AGAINST humanity, because deep down, right… right there(points to her heart), you honestly want to believe that I’m a part of humanity too. Or that humanity is a part of me… You’ve always been willing to give me that chance to “prove myself”, I guess… I’m so far beyond that, but I appreciate it nonetheless. I appreciate that you keep looking for that one thing that would bring me down to that level.

TERRA
…

KEFKA
You have a good life waiting for you here with Emperor Gestahl, Cid, the fine men and women of Vector… and ME! You’re upset that we took your life from you? We’ve given you the only life you’ll ever know. You gave that up. Now what do you have? Those “friends” of yours, who only wanted you for your gifts as much as we do? At least we’re direct about it. They don’t even respect you enough as a person to tell you that you’re nothing but a tool to them. They only see the side of you that’s a snarling beast, and they’re not going to want you after you’re done doing the work for them. And if you still want to take down this Empire, you’ll have to take advantage of them to get the job done. Do you really want to treat your friends that way?

TERRA
Is that better than killing them?

KEFKA
At least they’d know where you stand. Wouldn’t it be nice to be absolutely sure about something for once? You’ll always be of value to us, as the Daughter of the Empire. You can have that life back, if you want. Wouldn’t you like it if you didn’t care who uses who as a means to whatever end? Doesn’t that sound nice? (He then slowly pulls out another Slave Crown and places it in front of TERRA) How would you like it if you never had to be afraid again?

TERRA
(after considering, slowly reaches out for the Slave Crown with both hands, brings it close, and then snaps it in two and tosses the pieces down on the table)
…THAT is where I stand! And I am certain of that!

—

KEFKA
(communicating telepathically, temporarily “freezing” TERRA and her organs, but not her mind)
Terra! Hi there! How’s my super-best friend in the whole wide world? Oh, you look a little pale. Are you eating right? Don’t worry, I won’t keep you for too long. Listen, we really oughta do something together some time. Why don’t you come over to my place? I live at the giant mechanical penis penetrating the sky. You can’t miss it, believe me, I tried. OK, that’s all. I’ll let you breathe again.

—

KEFKA
TERRA! You’ve arrived! Oh, and you brought your little friends! It’s so good to see all of you again. We really need to do this more often… Well? Do you like what I’ve done with the place?

LOCKE
(Upon seeing Kefka’s twisted new appearance) Oh, holy GOD…!

SABIN
Ugh! *cough* (looks away, almost ready to vomit)

KEFKA
What, what’s the matter? Oh. Me. Yeah, I thought I’d get some work done. What do you think? I changed a few things.

EDGAR
We noticed.

KEFKA
Thank you! Ooh, hey, have you seen the Light of Judgement? This is really cool, watch-

TERRA
I saw what you’ve done to this world, Kefka. I’ve seen it in the eyes of everyone who’s suffered because of you. I’ve seen the bodies. I’ve seen the burning houses. I’ve seen the world decay, the very mountains wither and rot. I’ve seen the faces of the people you murdered!

KEFKA
Saved. I -saved- them. I mean, look around. In case you haven’t noticed, things aren’t so good lately! Should I just let these poor lost souls suffer in a world that yields no bounty for them? What kind of person would I be, if I didn’t… release them from their suffering once in a while? And I don’t charge them for it! I’m just happy to do them a favour. All I ask in return is that you love me as much as I love all of you. I am, after all, a fair and loving God.

STRAGO
You are no God. You are not even the Devil! He is not so foolish as to believe he brings salvation!

KEFKA
…Say, how would YOU would like to be saved? In fact, I can save all of you! Come, Terra! Dance with me under the maddening star! *laughs*

—

END OF LINE

~A.H.

…Let’s see, if this ad is anything to go by, apparently Capcom is killing off one of the series mainstays… in a video game about dead folk being very persistent about not staying dead, and generally making life unpleasant for the living. Also, is it a spoiler if it’s a part of their advertising campaign?

So, yeah, call me skeptical on this one. This is Capcom we’re talking about. They’ve made a big fuss about killing off characters before. Before Mega Man X8, the hype leading up to its release seemed to be focused on how they were “finally killing off their freaky fusion of M. Bison and Sagat… FOR THE EIGHT TIME!!!”

Which is still less-than-Zero. *ba-dum-PSH!*

Speaking of, whatever happened to Mega Man X? Just when they made a decent new game for him, they abandon him for Metroidvania. Even the Zero and Battle Network series got actual endings, which is practically unheard of from Capcom! The series X didn’t really end. It just sort of… stopped. I guess they decided 8 was enough. If they ever make a ninth, and Captain Chin-Man’s not around, then maybe they really mean business about axing their characters.

Although that wouldn’t explain M. Bison’s return in Street Fighter IV…

Wasn’t this post about Resident Evil?

Right. Well, regardless of whether or not there is a bluff to call, it’s a gutsy move, and clever marketing to boot. If that picture up there won’t get the fans who’ve been following the games for the last 12 years(OH GOD I’M OLD!!)interested in the game, what will?

And if it is legit, can you say “final boss”? =D

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Shamus’s most recent post features a youtube video performance of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. Whenever I hear this song, I think of two things:

1. Fantasia, which is probably my favourite film ever(which I’m going to watch as soon as I’m done typing this), and:
2. “Dancing Mad”, from Final Fantasy VI(that song is pretty clearly inspired by Toccata and Fugue).

That got me thinking along similar lines that led to my “We Summon Rock” post, about a rhythm-based music game featuring exclusively Square-Enix music. What if Disney did a Fantasia treatment of Square-Enix music, from various series?

It could be called “Final Fantasia”.

And think of the track-list. Both Fantasia films had 7 original animation segments accompanied by classical music(Fantasio 2000 had 8, but only when you count that the “cameo” of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice).

OK. Seven. We can do that. I’m sure there’s 7 worthy tracks like that throughout the Final Fantasy series at least, if not in the entire Square Enix discography. Better yet, it’d be possible to take several tracks from OST’s and combine them so that they represent a particular game or series(like, several tracks from Final Fantasy IV could be played one after the other, re-written a bit to flow into each other better, and that could be the “Final Fantasy IV” segment).

One-Winged Angel is a must. Same with Dancing Mad, and the Opera scene from VI as well. There, that’s 3 already. 4 more to go.

Let’s see… You could splice the Ending Movie theme and Symphonic Poem “Hope” from Final Fantasy XII into a pretty nifty musical segment. That might be a bit short though. If worse came to worse, the credits theme to Final Fantasy Tactics could be put in(depressing it may be, but it’s not like Fantasia was all ponies and cherubs either).

…On second thought, screw Final Fantasy XII. VIII’s “FITHOS LUSEC WECOS VINOSEC” orchestral album would make a much better Fantasia segment. Alright, that’s 4 “tracks”. More than halfway there.

3 left. How about something from Kingdom Hearts? Eh? Might as well, since the idea already plays on the Disney/Squenix relationship. But what track(or tracks)? Well, Yoko Shimomura’s recent “Drammatica” album has 4 Kingdom Hearts selections done by an orchestra. “Destati”, “The Other Promise”, “Twinkle-Twinkle Holiday” and “The Thirteenth Anthology”, all played in a row, with a visual companion piece by Disney would be one of the coolest things in the history of ever. That’s 5.

2 more to go. We’re getting close to the end here. Maybe we should go back to the roots of it all? There’s a soundtrack of orchestrated music from the first two Final Fantasies called “Final Fantasy Symphonic Suite”. Less than half of that CD would amount to one incredibly, ridiculously length-ed Fantasia-ey segment. Hyphen.

They could just combine “Scene V” and “Scene VI” into a complete segment, and maybe include bits and pieces from the other tracks(like the Revivification intro from “Scene IV”).

What about the Intermission? Gotta have an intermission. I figure, what better place for the Prelude? And with an actual harp too. OOH! Or what about the Chocobo/Moogle/Victory themes? OH MAN THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME NERDGASM

OK, that’s 6 and a half. The above suggestions aren’t listed in any specific order, but what caps off the whole thing? It’d have to be something good too. The original Fantasia concluded with Nightmare on Bald Mountain AND Ave Maria. Hard to top that. I haven’t seen Fantasia 2000, but I hear the last segment of that is fairly brick-crapping as well.

You could go with one or several of the series’ ending themes. FFVI’s alone would be a hell of a send-off. I wouldn’t mind hearing Terra’s theme, but I also don’t believe anyone could do that song better than the remix “Wanderer of Time” in the album “Final Fantasy Pray”, and that’s not really long enough to hold its own animated segment in something like this.

The best suggestion I can come up with is a medley of tracks from the Final Fantasy IX Plus soundtrack, which featured all of the music from the FMV cutscenes and more. Then cap it off with Melodies of Life. In fact, make it the (Silent Mix) version, that’d be a good song to end the production that doesn’t actually exist but let’s pretend it did for sake of conversation.

Why FFIX? Nobuo Uematsu HAS said in two separate occasions(without hesitation) that Final Fantasy IX is his favourite soundtrack. He was only asked to do 20 or so tracks, and the man went on to compose 160! That is a lunatic’s display of devotion that can only come from a deep adoration of their work/art. Besides, “Plus” has just the right amount of balance between “the profane(Bald Mountain) and the sacred(Ave Maria)” to make a terrific ending sequence for a Fantasia project.

And all it would take is years of meticulous planning and the carefully co-ordinated talents of hundreds, if not thousands of people, not to mention millions of dollars. Oh, and enough people inside both companies to be just as crazy as me for thinking this is a good idea. Piece of cake, right?

I’ll file it right underneath “Space-Leprechauns taking over the Earth” and above “Me getting laid” on the scale of Unlikely Things To Ever Happen.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Destructoid.com is the funniest website on the entire internet. It was a tough call, but Cracked.com, Something Awful and I-Mockery just can’t compete with the unintentional comedy of Chad “I’m such a clueless dolt I didn’t even know Tetra from Wind Waker was actually Zelda” Concelmo. Nobody tell him that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s…. oops, don’t wanna spoil it for him.

I especially love how he tries to make the case that the ridiculous fight scene at the end of Metal Gear Solid 4 is one of the better examples of artistic storytelling in video games. He is a man that makes it sound like Ebert is onto something, when he says that professional knitting sounds like a better use of our time than vidjeo gaymez.

(Now, in all fairness, he does have a couple of good moments in his memorable video game moments lists. And I’m not calling him an idiot, outright, but he DID present a meticulous write-up on how fighting the Hydra boss in God of War was an important keynote in the history of the medium. Which is like trying to explain how the scene in Batman & Robin where they play a game of hockey with Mr. Freeze’s goons is an example of cinematic genius. Or like saying Madonna is an important contributor to music. Metal Gear Solid is the Madonna of video games. I’d bet good money you could dangle your keys in front of Chad’s face, and he would write about how it was a life-affirming moment that brought him to the brink of tears and was the greatest art moment of art history of art blah-blah-blah-BLAH.)

To summarize his post on Metal Gear Solid 4: The most convoluted storyline in the history of entertainment, seriously, ever, concludes with a retarded fist-fight between Stan Lee on steroids and a geriatric Tom Selleck. With Metal Gear Solid’s clumsy fist-fighting controls and choreography, record-breakingly bad dialogue and Hideo Kojima’s morbidly-obese-handed anti-war message. Complete with a monologue about the future of the world, and symbolism being beaten into our skulls via(I kid you not) a solitary bird flying into the sunrise.

And Chad Concelmo thinks THAT is “Well-directed.“, and “it is the best directed scene in any videogame… stunning in its beauty and emotional effectiveness.” I mean… Is he 12 years old?

I was wrong to think the hilarious lunacy would end there. I remembered that the space for comments below any article is a place where intelligence, maturity and proper spelling and grammar go to die. I knew things were only going to get better, and Destructoid.com did not disappoint:

“I like how the incredibly deep storyline basically boils down to a very pysical, raw, struggle of violence. One on one. Someone is going to fucking die.”

Because video games never end with a one-on-one fight to the death between the good guy and the bad guy.

“Dude, I honestly started crying once the music from the first game kicked in…You kind of get this feelings that it’s all going to end the same way it began, it’s just so epic and satysfiying that I don’t think any other piece of art will ever be able to match up to that again.”

I would like to start a new fad: Put music from The Shawshank Redemption in scenes from gross-out teen comedies, and see how many dumbasses call those resulting “moments”: “epic and satisfying pieces of art“. There’s more to a profound and artistic moment than just sad music, dipshits!

“Good call, Chad. The brutal face-punching was the perfect highlight to the end of an amazing series.”

Yes, -subtlety- was definitely the right choice here. And here’s a response to someone who didn’t feel the need to say Metal Gear Solid 4 is the pinnacle of mankind’s contributions to civilization:

“STFU until you’ve actually played and beaten the game, then you can come back and post all the critisism you want. I’m so fucking tired of assholes like yourself who feel they can critisise something based on some youtube footage and reviews without ever even picking up the controller and playing it themselves.”

Here is the trailer to the live-action Dragonball film in the works. Are you telling me I can’t say that is a crime against film unless I waste my money and time to sit through the whole thing?

“The best final boss and most emotional ending EVER! i grew up playing MGS and seeing the end of snakes journey feels very personal to me.
P.S.- i fricken cried durin that whole ending lol.”

You know what else has “emotional” and “personal” scenes? Twilight. I have it on good authority that Twilight is one of the worst books ever written. BUT OMG IT HAS SCENES WITH EMOTION SO ITS PERFECT. Stop letting manufactured Hollywood drama play you like a fiddle!

“When the Snake Eater theme kicked in, I think I wept tears of pure joy”

Jesus, what kind of pussy generation am I a part of, where a song with lyrics like: “Some days you feed on a tree frog” inspires WEEPING? And what’s more, people going online and admitting to the world that they became crybaby bitches at an incredibly stupid James Bond parody song. Whatever happened to shame?

“MGS4 is an absolute masterpiece of art and entertainment.”

Somehow I get the feeling this person’s favourite movie is Armaggeddon. If that final boss scene is any indication, calling this game a masterpiece of art and entertainment is an insult to art and entertainment.

“I liked that they kept is simple as far as gameplay. If it was too complex, there would be no time to soak it all in,”

It’s not like the Metal Gear Solid series is needlessly complex or anything. And Chad certainly did not require giving a very, very cliff-notes summary of about 1/50th of the series’ storyline before wanking off to one of the dumber moments in video game history.

Oh wait.

“You really can’t judge this scene unless you’ve played it, and to criticize it without experiencing it just makes you look like you have nefarious motives of some sort.”

Does playing the last 3 games in the series give me any indication of how this one plays out? Are the controls still awkward for combat? Is the script still a calculated attack on the player? Does pressing the buttons and feeling the dual-shock vibrations suddenly make the retarded set-up, dialogue and execution of this scene into something powerful? If anything, that makes ME responsible for making horrible, idiotic things happen on my television. I don’t want to be responsible for that septugenarian slap-fight.

Do I have the moral authority to make any opinion on this issue, having never played Metal Gear Solid 4? Do I have to eat shit to know that it will not taste pleasant? I’ve watched and re-watched that fight scene several times. Not one part of it screamed “Fun!” or “Profound!”.

“To those of you who doubt or disagree or just like to argue, well, you’re titled to your opinion. Except your opinion is wrong in this instance, and you need a reality check. “

So, people are allowed to have an opinion, but only insofar as they agree with yours? You’d think that after hours of being fed “What is right and wrong in war?” psycho-babble from this series, these sub-humans might understand that an opinion is -subjective-, and that no amount of sucking Hideo Kojima’s dick will make their opinions any more “right” or “wrong” than those of us with any common sense.

“My eyes were full of tears the entire time. And pretty much stayed that way through the entire ending cinematic and credits. Then, during the true ending cinematic, I broke down and full out cried. “

Is there a Pulitzer for hilarious internet comments? I’m sorry, but I weigh 90 pounds, and reading these is starting to make me feel like even I could kick their asses.

That’s not to say an emotional response to a genuinely shattering experience in entertainment and art isn’t justifiable. Remember when the horse died in The Neverending Story? You are allowed to shed a tear or two to that. The Aeris scene? Debatable, but understandable if you do choose to excrete salty fluids(one way or the other).

But crying to a 1-dimensional genocidal villain(who never had any clear motive for doing anything other than because the game needed a villain) being punched in the face during a sunrise, just because it’s the end of the game and it’s a sunrise says to the world: “I never want to work anywhere but Burger King.”

“If anyone actually thinks this series has a great story, you need to wake up, or stop being 14 years old. Anyone of maturity should be able to realize that it’s one big clusterfuck.”

What the-? Who is that?! RATIONAL LOGIC? Get out! Don’t you know you’re at Destructoid.com? WE DON’T TAKE KINDLY TO YOUR TYPES HERE

“You obviously dont know what a good story is and subsequently probably think the Super Mario and Doom movies had amazing plots, and that Gears of War 2 has a Hollywood caliber script. People who just say MGS is a clusterfuck obviously lack the storytelling intelligence to put together the pieces of the puzzle and assemble the full story, plus criticizing a story sounds just plain stupid if you havent completed the story in the first place. And if you cant understand the MGS story after playing MGS4 then you’re just simply an idiot.

Spoiler : You’re dumb. GTFO and play your Wii or something.”

Thank God! You made it just in time to insult him for having the audacity to disagree with you, without backing up your own opinions, YOUTUBE COMMENT-MAN! =D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, this isn’t funny anymore. Do you want to know why games can’t be art? It’s because we won’t let games be art. We forgive too readily the high-school production writing and acting because the graphics are so shiny. We ignore the intelligence insulting stereotypes, the pointless violence, the objectification of women and the intellectually-vacant “stories” because it has online multiplayer and high-def volumetrix pixel shader rendering flibbity-flabbity-FUCK. This is where we have placed our priorities. We are actively sending the message(and our hard-earned money) to developers and publishers that we are just fine and dandy with being crapped on.

Worse, we can’t rely on well-spoken, sensible critics to speak for the best of us, because our critics are a sham, nothing more than nasally-voiced neck-beards, all-too-eager to whore themselves out for fat stacks of cash “soften scores” for any game deemed “anticipated”(or providing advertising) with their 9-10 rating scales. You know it’s bad when Adam Sessler is the voice of reason.

Why are so many video games, Metal Gear included, such awful, insulting, juvenile trash? You’d think with all of our new technology, we could be experiencing actual stories, about genuine, flawed people that really speaks about the human condition in a way that is meaningful and direct. But We don’t want that. No. Because We treat video games like they’re toys. As if that’s all they ever can or should be. But that won’t stop Us from saying that Fable has a great story, even though We damn well know it doesn’t.

So when Our version of the “Oscars” amounts to THIS, and then somehow finds a way to degrade women in the process with their “award presenters”, we have only Ourselves to blame. We’re getting exactly what We put up with. Maybe if We had higher expectations for video games, they would be an art-form instead of an industry(kind of like how there’s a porn industry, or a music industry). Not that a game can only be art OR entertainment, but these days it’s hard enough to come across one or the other.

We should be ashamed of Ourselves. You payed 60 dollars. You deserve real writers and directors, with an honest understanding for how to entertain and enliven an audience. You deserve poignant stories and experiences, with actors who respect and appreciate what they do for a living and have the talent to bring the characters and story to life. And You deserve the game to control like something other than a sticky shopping cart. We all deserve better than Grand Theft Auto, Gears of War, God of War and fucking Metal Gear Solid. Stop settling for less!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That’s not another commenter quote by the way, I’m just disappointed in a lot of us. Again. As for Destructoid, I was just kidding. They’re not really all that clever. In fact, if I didn’t achingly yearn for Colette Benning, I’d hardly ever go there.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Gamasutra has recent sales charts for EA games in the last year(incomplete however, as it lacks visual data on the sales of Spore and Left 4 Dead). It shows that, despite everyone complaining that EA makes shitty sequels and nothing else, and even though they decided to sell two original new products that are unusually not shitty sequels, another Madden entry sold more than Dead Space and Mirror’s Edge combined.

That’s like if Michael Bay started making intelligent, enjoyable films, and then the everyone got upset because there wasn’t enough bad dialogue, explosions and hellish editing.

Well, at least we know where we stand…

END OF LINE

~A.H.