Great Expectations
Destructoid.com is the funniest website on the entire internet. It was a tough call, but Cracked.com, Something Awful and I-Mockery just can’t compete with the unintentional comedy of Chad “I’m such a clueless dolt I didn’t even know Tetra from Wind Waker was actually Zelda” Concelmo. Nobody tell him that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s…. oops, don’t wanna spoil it for him.
I especially love how he tries to make the case that the ridiculous fight scene at the end of Metal Gear Solid 4 is one of the better examples of artistic storytelling in video games. He is a man that makes it sound like Ebert is onto something, when he says that professional knitting sounds like a better use of our time than vidjeo gaymez.
(Now, in all fairness, he does have a couple of good moments in his memorable video game moments lists. And I’m not calling him an idiot, outright, but he DID present a meticulous write-up on how fighting the Hydra boss in God of War was an important keynote in the history of the medium. Which is like trying to explain how the scene in Batman & Robin where they play a game of hockey with Mr. Freeze’s goons is an example of cinematic genius. Or like saying Madonna is an important contributor to music. Metal Gear Solid is the Madonna of video games. I’d bet good money you could dangle your keys in front of Chad’s face, and he would write about how it was a life-affirming moment that brought him to the brink of tears and was the greatest art moment of art history of art blah-blah-blah-BLAH.)
To summarize his post on Metal Gear Solid 4: The most convoluted storyline in the history of entertainment, seriously, ever, concludes with a retarded fist-fight between Stan Lee on steroids and a geriatric Tom Selleck. With Metal Gear Solid’s clumsy fist-fighting controls and choreography, record-breakingly bad dialogue and Hideo Kojima’s morbidly-obese-handed anti-war message. Complete with a monologue about the future of the world, and symbolism being beaten into our skulls via(I kid you not) a solitary bird flying into the sunrise.
And Chad Concelmo thinks THAT is “Well-directed.“, and “it is the best directed scene in any videogame… stunning in its beauty and emotional effectiveness.” I mean… Is he 12 years old?
I was wrong to think the hilarious lunacy would end there. I remembered that the space for comments below any article is a place where intelligence, maturity and proper spelling and grammar go to die. I knew things were only going to get better, and Destructoid.com did not disappoint:
“I like how the incredibly deep storyline basically boils down to a very pysical, raw, struggle of violence. One on one. Someone is going to fucking die.”
Because video games never end with a one-on-one fight to the death between the good guy and the bad guy.
“Dude, I honestly started crying once the music from the first game kicked in…You kind of get this feelings that it’s all going to end the same way it began, it’s just so epic and satysfiying that I don’t think any other piece of art will ever be able to match up to that again.”
I would like to start a new fad: Put music from The Shawshank Redemption in scenes from gross-out teen comedies, and see how many dumbasses call those resulting “moments”: “epic and satisfying pieces of art“. There’s more to a profound and artistic moment than just sad music, dipshits!
“Good call, Chad. The brutal face-punching was the perfect highlight to the end of an amazing series.”
Yes, -subtlety- was definitely the right choice here. And here’s a response to someone who didn’t feel the need to say Metal Gear Solid 4 is the pinnacle of mankind’s contributions to civilization:
“STFU until you’ve actually played and beaten the game, then you can come back and post all the critisism you want. I’m so fucking tired of assholes like yourself who feel they can critisise something based on some youtube footage and reviews without ever even picking up the controller and playing it themselves.”
Here is the trailer to the live-action Dragonball film in the works. Are you telling me I can’t say that is a crime against film unless I waste my money and time to sit through the whole thing?
“The best final boss and most emotional ending EVER! i grew up playing MGS and seeing the end of snakes journey feels very personal to me.
P.S.- i fricken cried durin that whole ending lol.”
You know what else has “emotional” and “personal” scenes? Twilight. I have it on good authority that Twilight is one of the worst books ever written. BUT OMG IT HAS SCENES WITH EMOTION SO ITS PERFECT. Stop letting manufactured Hollywood drama play you like a fiddle!
“When the Snake Eater theme kicked in, I think I wept tears of pure joy”
Jesus, what kind of pussy generation am I a part of, where a song with lyrics like: “Some days you feed on a tree frog” inspires WEEPING? And what’s more, people going online and admitting to the world that they became crybaby bitches at an incredibly stupid James Bond parody song. Whatever happened to shame?
“MGS4 is an absolute masterpiece of art and entertainment.”
Somehow I get the feeling this person’s favourite movie is Armaggeddon. If that final boss scene is any indication, calling this game a masterpiece of art and entertainment is an insult to art and entertainment.
“I liked that they kept is simple as far as gameplay. If it was too complex, there would be no time to soak it all in,”
It’s not like the Metal Gear Solid series is needlessly complex or anything. And Chad certainly did not require giving a very, very cliff-notes summary of about 1/50th of the series’ storyline before wanking off to one of the dumber moments in video game history.
Oh wait.
“You really can’t judge this scene unless you’ve played it, and to criticize it without experiencing it just makes you look like you have nefarious motives of some sort.”
Does playing the last 3 games in the series give me any indication of how this one plays out? Are the controls still awkward for combat? Is the script still a calculated attack on the player? Does pressing the buttons and feeling the dual-shock vibrations suddenly make the retarded set-up, dialogue and execution of this scene into something powerful? If anything, that makes ME responsible for making horrible, idiotic things happen on my television. I don’t want to be responsible for that septugenarian slap-fight.
Do I have the moral authority to make any opinion on this issue, having never played Metal Gear Solid 4? Do I have to eat shit to know that it will not taste pleasant? I’ve watched and re-watched that fight scene several times. Not one part of it screamed “Fun!” or “Profound!”.
“To those of you who doubt or disagree or just like to argue, well, you’re titled to your opinion. Except your opinion is wrong in this instance, and you need a reality check. “
So, people are allowed to have an opinion, but only insofar as they agree with yours? You’d think that after hours of being fed “What is right and wrong in war?” psycho-babble from this series, these sub-humans might understand that an opinion is -subjective-, and that no amount of sucking Hideo Kojima’s dick will make their opinions any more “right” or “wrong” than those of us with any common sense.
“My eyes were full of tears the entire time. And pretty much stayed that way through the entire ending cinematic and credits. Then, during the true ending cinematic, I broke down and full out cried. “
Is there a Pulitzer for hilarious internet comments? I’m sorry, but I weigh 90 pounds, and reading these is starting to make me feel like even I could kick their asses.
That’s not to say an emotional response to a genuinely shattering experience in entertainment and art isn’t justifiable. Remember when the horse died in The Neverending Story? You are allowed to shed a tear or two to that. The Aeris scene? Debatable, but understandable if you do choose to excrete salty fluids(one way or the other).
But crying to a 1-dimensional genocidal villain(who never had any clear motive for doing anything other than because the game needed a villain) being punched in the face during a sunrise, just because it’s the end of the game and it’s a sunrise says to the world: “I never want to work anywhere but Burger King.”
“If anyone actually thinks this series has a great story, you need to wake up, or stop being 14 years old. Anyone of maturity should be able to realize that it’s one big clusterfuck.”
What the-? Who is that?! RATIONAL LOGIC? Get out! Don’t you know you’re at Destructoid.com? WE DON’T TAKE KINDLY TO YOUR TYPES HERE
“You obviously dont know what a good story is and subsequently probably think the Super Mario and Doom movies had amazing plots, and that Gears of War 2 has a Hollywood caliber script. People who just say MGS is a clusterfuck obviously lack the storytelling intelligence to put together the pieces of the puzzle and assemble the full story, plus criticizing a story sounds just plain stupid if you havent completed the story in the first place. And if you cant understand the MGS story after playing MGS4 then you’re just simply an idiot.
Spoiler : You’re dumb. GTFO and play your Wii or something.”
Thank God! You made it just in time to insult him for having the audacity to disagree with you, without backing up your own opinions, YOUTUBE COMMENT-MAN! =D
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Okay, this isn’t funny anymore. Do you want to know why games can’t be art? It’s because we won’t let games be art. We forgive too readily the high-school production writing and acting because the graphics are so shiny. We ignore the intelligence insulting stereotypes, the pointless violence, the objectification of women and the intellectually-vacant “stories” because it has online multiplayer and high-def volumetrix pixel shader rendering flibbity-flabbity-FUCK. This is where we have placed our priorities. We are actively sending the message(and our hard-earned money) to developers and publishers that we are just fine and dandy with being crapped on.
Worse, we can’t rely on well-spoken, sensible critics to speak for the best of us, because our critics are a sham, nothing more than nasally-voiced neck-beards, all-too-eager to whore themselves out for fat stacks of cash “soften scores” for any game deemed “anticipated”(or providing advertising) with their 9-10 rating scales. You know it’s bad when Adam Sessler is the voice of reason.
Why are so many video games, Metal Gear included, such awful, insulting, juvenile trash? You’d think with all of our new technology, we could be experiencing actual stories, about genuine, flawed people that really speaks about the human condition in a way that is meaningful and direct. But We don’t want that. No. Because We treat video games like they’re toys. As if that’s all they ever can or should be. But that won’t stop Us from saying that Fable has a great story, even though We damn well know it doesn’t.
So when Our version of the “Oscars” amounts to THIS, and then somehow finds a way to degrade women in the process with their “award presenters”, we have only Ourselves to blame. We’re getting exactly what We put up with. Maybe if We had higher expectations for video games, they would be an art-form instead of an industry(kind of like how there’s a porn industry, or a music industry). Not that a game can only be art OR entertainment, but these days it’s hard enough to come across one or the other.
We should be ashamed of Ourselves. You payed 60 dollars. You deserve real writers and directors, with an honest understanding for how to entertain and enliven an audience. You deserve poignant stories and experiences, with actors who respect and appreciate what they do for a living and have the talent to bring the characters and story to life. And You deserve the game to control like something other than a sticky shopping cart. We all deserve better than Grand Theft Auto, Gears of War, God of War and fucking Metal Gear Solid. Stop settling for less!
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That’s not another commenter quote by the way, I’m just disappointed in a lot of us. Again. As for Destructoid, I was just kidding. They’re not really all that clever. In fact, if I didn’t achingly yearn for Colette Benning, I’d hardly ever go there.
END OF LINE
~A.H.
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