So, it turns out there is at least one good thing about Castlevania: Judgement.
(the music, not the tits.)
Also, one of the playable characters is Death. Isn’t that a little unfair to the other characters? How the fuck do they fight that?! =P
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~A.H.
As a follow-up to yesterday’s Shit Final Boss music post, let me clarify something: I honestly would have no problem with the song they chose for the climax of Dissidia: Final Fantasy, if it weren’t for the horrendous vocals. Even keep the lame lyrics, I don’t care. The song that’s buried underneath that oral refuse isn’t so bad. It just needed someone with greater range than Stephen Hawking to sing it.
It reminded me of a song from Blue Dragon called “Eternity“. Listen to those guitar riffs, the keyboards, the drums. That is not terrible music. But you’d be lying if you said that wasn’t some of the worst “singing” you’ve ever heard in your life. The notes aren’t the problem; the singer just can’t hit them. Or in this case, the problem is he sung the song in the vein of an old, buck-toothed, gray-bearded, gold-rush era prospector. Do these people really think that sounds good? Vocals like that belong in a Nobuo Uematsu battle them like a Locust head belongs in an antique case.
It’s like going to a restaurant that serves your favourite food, but the waiter craps on it before he serves it to you. Then he has the nerve to call it “seasoning“. How much would you hate Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”, if Soldja Boy did a duet with Barry Manilow over the guitar solo? I don’t know why so many people are anxious to kill a good thing.
If you would like to break into the market for making good music and then shitting on it with your complete lack of singing talent, it’s a very simple process(and cost-effective, since you’ll save money on all of those pesky singing lessons). In fact, “The Killers” seem to have carved out a career based on the following three rules:
I hereby dub this the “Star Salzman Effect“. Man, that guy would be like, my favourite OCRemixer if he’d just shut the fuck up. Or, you know, hire someone who can actually sing for him(isn’t that what Pixietricks is there for? To enhance good music with great vocals? It’s not like she charges a thousand dollars a remix, Sal. I’m sure even in this time of economic uncertainty, you could afford the expense to make your remixes not sound like ass.
Or barring that, just leave out the singing altogether. That Mega Man X ‘mix you did alone is movie-quality, right up until you start blathering about video game guides.)
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~A.H.
You may think you have seen “cute” before. Maybe your cat had a litter of kittens, little paws and faces struggling to stand upright, making those pathetic little mewling sounds. Some people think the all-consuming shit-factories known as “babies” are cute. Maybe you saw a photo of a baby next to a box of kittens, and perhaps the baby was dressed in the manner of a kitten, and thought that was the cutest thing you’d ever seen.
I’m here to tell you that you are wrong. No matter what you may think is the cutest sight you have ever witnessed, you are wrong. You are wrong, and the cutest thing you will ever see in your drab, meaningless existence is “Chiyo-chan”, the 11-year old genius schoolgirl from Azumanga Daioh.
Cuter than the assembly line at a button factory
If you don’t believe me, watch the first episode. No, go ahead. I’ll wait.
…
….
……
Did you watch it?
Then congratulations! You now have Diabetes. And if you think that was cute, wait ’til the episode where she wears a penguin-suit.
WARNING! EXCEEDING MAXIMUM CUTENESS LEVELS!
Now, if she were just there to be adorable, that’d be more than enough. But Chiyo is often the moral centre of the show. She’s got a terrific attitude, is always considerate of other people’s feelings and maintains an upbeat look at life. And if you managed to survive the onslaught of cuteness in the first 10 minutes, you’d see that even the most jaded and world-weary teachers are not immune to having their heart-strings pulled in her presence. And despite being privileged, she doesn’t appear to have a single selfish bone in her body. She’s a reminder of how we should all be treating each other and ourselves.
This picture isn't so sweet when you find out the guy in the suit's a sex offender
A lot of American animation either tends to make the cute characters superfluous (outside of merchandising), or secretly bitter, self-absorbed monsters who use that to get what they want. There is a mindset that anything that looks that innocent is probably hiding some dark and ugly personality. Surely it’s too good to be true, right?
But when the teacher is cracking down on students who didn’t do their homework, does Chiyo look like she’s “just trying to get out of a punishment”? I don’t think so. She takes pride in studying. There’s no hidden motive. She really is just a scared little girl who honestly forgot to complete her assignment.
"Maybe you wouldn't be so small if you didn't go to the bathroom so much."
Note how the teacher still punishes her. She isn’t let off the hook, and he only gives those who didn’t finish their assignments a simple bonk on the head with a rolled-up paper. But look at his expression. He feels bad about it. This isn’t one of the trouble-making students, or one who consistently doesn’t put in the effort. He knows this. He comes off as a hard-ass right before that clip starts, but his cold exterior is melted by a sincere apology from a little girl(who also happens to plead for mercy in an adorable way without even realizing it). There’s nothing dishonest or conniving about it. As a little girl who’s only been in High School for 2 days, she doesn’t know what a punishment amounts to there yet. She’s sorry, she gets a bonk in the head, the scene cuts to her baking a cake. What else do you want? Hell, that’s a lot more than most kids shows in North America offer.
Even when she's in horrible pain, she's adorable.
What really brings home this character for me is the voice. How in the hell do the Japanese manage to wring out that kind of childlike squeal, and not only hit all of the right notes, but do so without coming off as irritating as real children? Combined with the saccharine imagery, it amounts to a character that generated more stupid grins, chuckles and bouts of genuine(mad) laughter from me than maybe any other fictional character. And on top of all that, she’s a heart-warming and unique personality with an able-bodied script to back her up.
I think this is what the Japanese dictionary points to for "kawaii"
Also, she has a doggy. That she sometimes RIDES because she’s SO LWITTLE. Which is awesome.
ADVENTURE-TIME!!
Don’t think I’m even close to finished talking about this character, or this show. There’s still lots more long-winded fan-wankery on the way. =D
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~A.H.