Half-Masked

For a man who has spent the last few weeks unable to muster a good night’s sleep under the weight of a crippling fear of death, these two articles by James Toback and Roger Ebert, if they have not provided some comfort, have at least managed to put things into perspective for me.

Although the more I think about it, I think it’s more the absence of life that scares me. I am not looking forward to the -act- of dying, or the state of non-existence. But more than that, I don’t want to leave any time soon. I’m having too much fun here! Maybe I’ll change my mind if I live long enough to go through organ failure, but for now, I don’t think I ever won’t be looking forward to seeing what’s around the corner. I look forward to too much. New movies, new games, new people, new opinions, new political landscapes, new comedians, new doctors, new friends, new enemies, new music.

I envy those two. I don’t know how anyone can look in the face of death with acceptance. But then, what other choice do they have? My strategy certainly hasn’t been working, but just telling myself not to get worked up about it has about the same success rate. At least most people have the comfort of an afterlife, even if it’s little more than an idea. I’m unfortunate enough to believe that death is the end, that we’ll never be re-united with anyone or anything we care about.

Atheism is not a belief of my choosing, but it’s what I believe. Please believe me when I say I’d like nothing more than to really, honestly think that there is more than this. I want to believe in a God, whether it’s one or a thousand, whether they’re looking out for us or not. I don’t want the end to be The End. I’d rather be unsure, have doubt, than to be SURE that there’s nothing. At least doubt means there’s still a chance for a happier end scenario.

Nick Tinsley wrote in the comments at Ebert’s blog a sentiment I share the way brothers share ancestry:

“I remember one night three years ago when I was driving and thinking about death and the notion really hit me for the very first time, that I am going to die. I’d of course acknowledged this before but never had I really felt the full force of what that actually means. I also do not believe there is an afterlife, and for months after that I’d be stifled by anxiety, this looming, dooming presence of non-existence, and in hours of desperation I’d try to believe in something, anything, but it never felt real or genuine and I could never convince myself to forgive the holes in the theology I was trying to attach myself to.”

This is the shit that keeps me up at night. This might have something to do with a recent birthday. 22 years old only a few weeks ago. I liked being 21. In my youth, I used to relate my current age to that of fictional characters for some reason. 10 was “The Year of Bart”. 13: “The Year of Bobby Hill”. And so on. 21? That felt like the “right” number for me. The Year of Cloud. Now I’m older than Cloud. I’ve NEVER been older than Cloud!

Fuck, I don’t know how to be 22. Or 23. I’ll know how to be 80. Hell, the one upside to growing old is that I think I’d make an excellent cantankerous old geezer.

Then I considered why I was afraid of dying. I’ve not gained much in my time on this Earth, so it can’t be a matter of losing much. I think, ultimately, I don’t want to be shuffled off before I’ve accomplished a few things. I’ve got so much in my head that I want to make tangible. I’ve got scripts, novels, tv shows, movies, drawings, music, all sorts of things I want to expel from my consciousness before the end. Maybe a relationship or two, although I’ve long since given up on that. I set achievable goals.

I just wish I had something that actually soothed my turbulent fears, instead of just distracting from them. I just-

Holy shit, Pokemon Gold and Silver DS remakes! =D

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~A.H.

I know I’m sounding like a broken record here, but I really do apologize for a lack of comics. I’ve discovered in the last month that borrowing 3 games at the same time tends to atrophy what little drawing ability I have. I’ve spent the last week trying to get back into shape in that regard, but so far I haven’t been able to draw anything I’d want to show anyone. And considering the crap that normally gets put up on this site, that’s saying something.

I don’t know if and when I’ll be able to shake off this Scott Ramsoomair updating schedule, but I’ll keep at it. Blog updates will continue as usual in the meantime.

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~A.H.

Of all of the games I’ve anticipated over the years, the anxious wait was never quite so brutal, and so eternal as it was during the expansive stretch of time awaiting the arrival of Gold and Silver. It drove my little mind mad. There was an insatiable hunger there, to Catch ‘em… well, more. I could not -sleep-, so I stayed up nights, furiously trying to decide which of the 3 complimentary critters I would start out with, because all of them looked neat. I wanted every last one of them. I still had not made up my mind by the time it was actually in my hands.

The day I brought home a copy was… an experience. Not an event, not a big or important day, but one that sticks out for me. I still recall holding that copy of Gold as I walked back from Toys R’ Us with my father, in the side-walk next to the parking lot adjacent to a joint Rogers Video/Second Cup. My dad probably wondered why a boy of my age was still into such childlike nonsense. He put up with a lot of that crap on my behalf. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Power Rangers. X-Men. And then the Anime started pouring in(I imagine that was probably the toughest to endure). But he stuck with it. I’ve come to appreciate that in recent years, instead of just demanding it, as was protocol for my selfish young mind.

It wasn’t even that remarkable a game. I did like it, it was worth the purchase. It was not a disappointment in any regard, it offered precisely what I wanted. But it was at that point that I stopped rocking back and forth in my sleep in anticipation for a new game. I never thought of this as a sad turning point, or a loss of my tenuous grasp on my youth. I was lucky here. Imagine how crushed I would have been if it had sucked. Since then I have relied on a simple acknowledgment of optimism for upcoming releases.

That said, now I’m told my favourite Pokemon games are being re-released, but with updated DS graphics and sound-quality?

The long, cold wait begins anew…

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~A.H.