Ten long years ago last month, my hemisphere was introduced to a television show called “Digimon”. Last night I had a dream about this show, but(as is often the case with dreams) also not about it. I felt it, however. Its spirit and characters remain with me, a sure qualifier for a job done right. In last night’s rest, I was reminded of them, re-introduced and found a little bit of my younger self I thought was lost to the ages. Interesting how that happened at such a serendipitous date. I had no idea of the anniversary and just missed it. But it’s as if, biologically, I knew it -inside-. In that place where we all wish Optimus Prime was real.

You see that? That's a shard of my youth, right there.

In my late adolescence and early teens, this show occupied the crux of my attention. I wasn’t the only one on my block tired of kid’s shows where absolutely nothing happens. The good guys, against all better judgment and common sense, fall for the same bad guy’s same devious tricks and traps in every episode. The good guys escape, fend off the bad guy, catchphrase, and he gets away to bother the heroes for another day. Even “big-kid shows” like GI Joe and Transformers did not stray from this formula. Frankly, I was tired of seeing the good guys win.

In a magazine from that bygone age I hold right this moment, Hal Hintze wrote:

In the past, we’d been subjected to decades of Scooby Doo-itis: Kids drive into a mess, bad guys chase kids around for a while, kids solve mystery. The next episode brought the same thing.

It turns out, as Digimon has helped us realize, that we would enjoy and return to a series that offered deeper characters and an ongoing story.

Digimon was the “big-kid show” I’d been waiting for up to that point. It was big, colourful, fluid, flashy, and rarely stupid. In all the right ways, it is even humble. It didn’t force-feed banal messages of the virtues of brushing one’s teeth. It didn’t ham up a “very special episode” when it wanted to get a point across. It tried its best to integrate the moral into the action. Sometimes it didn’t work. Sometimes it worked as well as it could have. The wait each week to hear that now-laughable theme song was almost too much for my little self to bear.

To be fair, it is not brilliant. But it is wiser, more honest and more imaginative stuff than we tended to get at that age. It was a toy-commercial AND entertainment. Contrary to many lunkheaded corporate executive’s perceptions on “what those little bastards want”, you can have both. It was hawking a big, plastic empire of toys and collectibles, but it didn’t stop short. It made the effort to be consistently engaging, at least to my 12-year old mind.

It took big risks for a kid’s show. The show began with a whopping 14 main characters. 7 of them transform into a growing hierarchy of new “forms” with different names and voices. That’s a lot to take in all at once. But Toei displayed a faith in its audience that is to this day unheard of. It got around its hurdle by making every single character instantly recognizable, interesting and appealing in some way. Maybe it’s their personality. Maybe it’s their design. Maybe it’s their voices or their lines. The most likely answer to me is that each of them, no matter how “cool” or smart or wacky, not one of them was a subject of squeaky-clean perfection.

The show starts with a group of kids from different walks of life in Japan. They were not “The Team Captain“, “The Comic-Relief“, “The Minority Figure” and “The Vagina“, those baneful cardboard cutouts that haunted every children’s program since the television was invented. They were fully realized individuals. A trip to a summer camp inexplicably sends them to a strange new world, dormant to them but alive since the time of the first monolithic computers.

Every single “Digidestined”(ugh) could understandably be anyone’s favourite character. My friends were fond of Tai, the multi-faceted but good-spirited leader, and Izzy, the short spikey-haired computer-whiz who was smart enough not to talk down to his friends. All of them have a feature or mannerism that isn’t pretty. And at least one or two personal demons either you or someone you know can attest to sharing. Two of the kids are brothers in a family that’s going through a divorce. The leader was raised in a single-parent household. Sometimes their personalities clash. Tai’s position for leadership is questioned, and sometimes fairly. Matt has a lot of bitterness with being the older brother, and being expected to take care of his younger sibling and his friends. Or maybe Tai impedes on his alpha male status?

See? It’s not always an easy answer.

The others have other personal demons I’m sure we’ve all wrestled with at some point. Even at their best, they can be bullheaded, arrogant or insensitive. They’re good kids, but there’s no such thing as a great kid. Anyone who has ever been a child can understand or at least sympathize with these youngin’s. Even their talking animal partners have more than one dimension to them, and act as a therapeutic presence for their partners for life. They respond to their humanoid companions’ quirks and flaws and help to bring out the best in them. I don’t think there is a single weak link here. Strong characters can carry even the silliest of concepts.

Also, badass robo-dragons.

There were story-arcs that actually wrapped up. Character deaths, even to the bad guys, are a rare sight in a Fox Kids show, but it wasn’t uncommon here. There is sacrifice. There is defeat. Maybe Digimon has not aged like fine wine, but it showed me that it was possible to have depth and commercial excitement. That the art could go hand in hand with a story. That even the good guys don’t have to be paragons, and the bad guys don’t all have to be incompetent jerks.

I remember an antagonist late in the show’s first run who resembles someone we’ve all known at some point. That one annoying kid who didn’t have any friends. He wasn’t a bad person, he just didn’t know how to keep them. The kind of guy who might have stood a chance if anyone would bother to cut them some slack. You didn’t get that on the Super Mario Bros. Super Show, I can tell you that.

It found a way to deal with hard issues through colourful adventures in a setting as surreal as I’ve ever witnessed. Luxury cruise-liners in desert wastelands. Electrical poles on a city road built straight into the dirt, leading straight into caverns. Bouncy green nursery zones, in the shadow of mountains resembling the Night on Bald Mountain sequence in Fantasia. Underground castles where the rules of gravity don’t seem to apply. Strangely coloured forests on scar cliffs looking over the ocean, and in each tree is an inter-dimensional hiding space. A cross between Salvador Dali and Pokemon.

And all the world is inhabited by some of the strangest, yet visually appealing creatures devised. What an interesting art-style. Grand, without being too complex. Bold, and sometimes even over-the-top. This place being a world comprised entirely of digital information, I guess it’s more fun than these kids being trapped in a never-ending wall of ones fighting menacing zeros. It finds the right balance, and achieves something iconic.

Also, HOLY SHIT

This is the show that first got me thinking that children’s entertainment could be something more. That no program has any excuse for being underachieving and insulting just because “it’s only a kid’s show”. I don’t know if I’d watch it today, but I know people older than me who still love and appreciate what it offered. It did not hand-hold us through the turmoil of our young lives, but it offered welcome company and thoughtful counsel. It aimed higher than sea-level. Somewhere after a couple of seasons, it lost its way. It did not outlast the Pokemon craze, but no other force has challenged its dominance like this.

I don’t know if I’d like to watch Digimon now that I’m a cynical adult. I’m not one of those hardcore loonies who still obsesses over it. Much of this may just be viewed through the rosy lens of nostalgia. Some things are better left as fond memories. I know for a fact that it was one of the only shows that really respected its audience. It helped me make sense of the world and of my fellow man(er, boy?) in a time when I really needed it. I will always appreciate that.

Happy anniversary, you Tamagotchi knockoff.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

I know how to save the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise:

An animated television show mixing action and comedic timing starring Team Chaotix from Sonic Heroes. Having discarded their life of servitude to the Eggman, they decide to take that experience and knowledge of the henchmen lifestyle and create a detective agency to fight crime. However, they usually end up failing miserably in their jobs and causing more harm than good. Sometimes their cases are redundant(such as The Case of the Missing Shoelace), and they invent elaborate conspiracies to convince their clients to keep paying them. During a lack of case-work, they must find other, more mundane means of employment.

-Espio the Chameleon is the frustrated leader of the pack, specializing in stealth. He is bitter with his girly appearance, and struggles to maintain his sanity in a world lacking in it. Despite being able to camouflage himself against any environment, he still occasionally wears a ninja suit to work(and also whenever he feels like it, including his sister’s wedding). He carries a rude demeanor and deadpan sarcasm into every episode, but he is not entirely devoid of empathy.

-Charmy is a curious little bee who performs reconnaissance due to his ability of flight. The world is terrified of him, mostly because, as Cracked.com put it: “…a bee showing up in an office has about the same effect as a crazed gunman.” Because of this, Espio is his only friend, and so diligently follows his every order without hesitation. Even when Espio takes advantage of his abilities for his personal amusement. He is this series’ “Tails”, although more mature and useful. He tries to keep an upbeat attitude, which is a trying experience for him given his company. He is actually a little smarter than Espio, but he looks up to him and is more willing to go along with Espio’s plans on principle.

-Vector is… Well… He’s mostly there to provide a “soundtrack” to Espio and Charmy’s adventures, but his taste in music can best be summed up with the words “Radio Disney”. Despite this, he insists that he is “phat” and “down” with the trends of today. His voice and dialogue renders it impossible for Espio and Charmy to pin down if he is supposed to be black or white. The correct answer is he is retarded.

His job during missions is to sit in the car with the window slightly cracked open, while his mix-tape plays to keep him busy. To date he has never fulfilled his duty. Espio and Charmy both attempt to either abandon or actually kill Vector, but he somehow finds a way to come back every time no worse for the wear. Even if the Chaotix-Wagon is padlocked, encased in lead and tossed into a volcano, he will show up at the most inopportune moment just to show his friends a “hip-new song” that they, like, HAVE to hear(it is always the Macarena. Always. Except for that one time when it was Love Story). Due to their enhanced other senses, the deaf can actually -taste- the awful music blaring from his perpetual boom-box.

In one episode, he would be kidnapped by Eggman, and it does not affect Espio or Charmy’s lives in any way whatsoever. In fact, Vector is so annoying that the ransom is reversed, Eggman offering Espio and Charmy a cash reward to take him back. Eventually he topples the Eggman empire just by proximity, and when he returns he finds Espio and Charmy have found true happiness and fullfilment in different places. Even the Middle East begins peace talks. All of this abruptly falls apart as soon as he is back in their lives. Vector is the death-march of the status-quo.

And then get the guys who did the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog to animate it. And the guys responsible for Phineas and Ferb to write it.

=========

TL;DR VERSION:

I was very bored today.

=========

END OF LINE

~A.H.

A slightly exaggerated analysis on why Left 4 Dead is the most annoying video game of the last decade:

“Let’s play a campaign on Expert! =D

Umm… Death Toll. No Mercy is impossible anyway without human assistance. Francis. Full Captions. That sounds like everything.

0:01 Hours:

-Alright! Let’s get this party started! And in this instance, the term “party” includes any and all activities involving vacating the grey matter from bipedal flesh-devourers. Everyone else took a shotgun, so I’ll take the Uzi.

0:05 Hours:

-A boomer burst near Bill and Zoey, while a Smoker incapacitated me. No one is helping me. I die in the first 5 minutes. Oh well. They were pre-occupied, I guess it can’t be helped. I didn’t mean to become the weak-link, but it happens.

0:10 Hours:

-Started over, got through with less trouble this time. Get pounced and incapacitated by a Hunter as I’m climbing a ladder. My faithful companions shoot it off me and start to climb up. I hear a Boomer. It waddles up the ladder where all 3 of my allies are situated. The Boomer swipes at them all in a little space below my current position. They show absolutely zero resistance. Nobody does anything. They stand there and let a freaking Boomer of all things incapacitate them all at once. Game Over.

…Wait, what? How? We’re not dead, we’re just on the ground. Injured yes, but not -crippled-. There is no excuse for that. That’s ridiculous. I am still in the game, and so are my friends. In what universe does being horizontal amount to death? In what way is the game better for this? I’m playing the role of a 200 lb. biker. I can damn well roll on my side and stand up. That is the stupidest thing I’ve seen in the last 10 minutes, and that includes my team-mates completely abandoning all self-preservation so they can get killed by an otherwise pacifistic Infected.

0:20 Hours:

-Start Over. Made it to the Tunnel. Take heavy damage from Infected that absorb more bullets than are supposed to. Close range shots aimed squarely in the torso/head area mysteriously vanish through them. This is in contrast to several times where firing in the opposite direction of my allies somehow damages them to the point that I have to waste a medkit.

The hell? It’s one thing when they run into my line of sight, why are my bullets randomly deciding to home in on my fellow survivors? Is that advertised on the box right next to the multiplayer modes? “Stupid sh***y hit detection renders this game f***ing unplayable at random times?”

0:30 Hours:

-Start over. Make it through the tunnel(after more friendly fire BS, and a Boomer that somehow vomited straight up, through solid stone walls and dozens of feet below our current position. I’m pretty sure that’s not supposed to happen, even in this fantasy apocalypse). All medkits used up. Horde. Bill stands completely still, possibly going over the finer points of the late works of Nietzsche in his head and how they relate to modern-day American politics. Or maybe Valve and Turtle Rock forgot how to make AI partners who aren’t drooling imbeciles. He falls down. I end up getting incapacitated just trying to save his sorry ass, because in the excitement no one noticed the Boomer. Zoey gets pulled by a Smoker, but Louis is taking a beating trying to get me and Bill back up. I shoot at the smoker and find that my accuracy is so thoroughly ruined that I would have better results insulting the Infected’s mother. Louis, still healthy and fit, decides to spend a long time picking up Bill instead of fighting off the Smoker.

-Zoey dies. It won’t be the first time. When we hear her in a distant closet further in the tunnel, the zombies there overwhelm us weakened boys. Not even a regular horde. Just a series of unlucky swipes and questionable “misses”.

0:55 Hours:

At last! Second stage.

1:05 Hours:

-Met a Tank. He wasn’t happy to meet me. But he somehow killed me before I could fire off a single shotgun blast. Even though he was making the far-off Tank sounds implying he wasn’t anywhere near us, and none of my allies reacted in a way suggesting he was on the same continent as us.

1:15 Hours:

-Tank is nowhere to be seen. Frustrating to know that the AI Director thought I wasn’t capable of defeating a Tank, even though the only reason I lost was because this game f***ing failed to give me any indication that the Tank was actually near me and my group. It’s always nice when a game robs you of your pride and treats you like a child like that.

1:18 Hours:

-Witch was in an easily-avoidable spot. Zoey disturbed it and died instantly. Even though I was closer, had my light on it when she was “startled”, and despite the showering bullets from every gun in the known universe all becoming sentient and firing directly toward the long-nailed monster. It lost its inexplicable powers of invincibility immediately after Zoey bit it.

1:24 Hours:

-Tank. Threw a slab of concrete through solid rock, metal and a few layers of the earth itself. It hit me. Only Louis is firing at it, and that’s with pistols, despite having an Assault Rifle whose ammo supply he recently stocked up on.

1:44 Hours:

-Tank at start of match. Zoey dies. Even though I was much closer to the Tank and doing much more to give it a hard time. It dies after 32 point-blank shotgun blasts because Louis and Bill stopped firing at it. The hell?

1:59 Hours:

-Spent 5 minutes waiting for Bill, Zoey and Louis to get in the safe-room. You know, that thing we’re supposed to get to, the place that absolutely no infected can reach us in and guarantees our continued survival? Yeah, they didn’t want any of that. Had to waste all of the medkits provided after the two boomers, hunters, smokers and the horde(s).

2:05 Hours:

-Alright, finally! Trainyard.

2:06 Hours:

-Today, A Tank threw a slab of concrete toward Zoey, and for some reason I fall down. Zoey is 5 feet to my left. FML.

2:07 Hours:

-Start over. Smoker grabs me. No medkits left, and now I’m incapacitated 60 seconds in. 2 minutes and a horde later, I’m back at the safe-room.

2:10 Hours:

-Smoker keeps incapacitating my team-mates during horde. I’m the last one left with any decent health.

Tank’s magical concrete flies through several hundred-year old trees and giant rocks, incapacitating me before I even know he’s there. It has passed through giant electrical generators, walls, rocks, trees, fences, houses and even armoured transport trucks. I didn’t notice there was a Tank, because there’s a boomer-horde on us.

2:14 Hours:

-Hunter pounces Louis. Smoker grabs me. Both of my “friends” save Louis, even though I should damn well take priority since we don’t have to re-start the entire stage if freaking Louis doesn’t make it. Or, and this is just a suggestion, but MAYBE JUST ONE COULD SAVE ME AS A HUNTER DOES NOT NEED THREE PEOPLE TO BE EFFICIENTLY HANDLED!

2:23 Hours:

-Using a Molotov, I manage to set the Tank on fire. I immediately run as far as I can. My team-mates decided standing perfectly still, bunched up together in the path of the Tank, STILL NOT SHOOTING AT IT would be the best plan of attack. I decide to help, and a Hunter decides I would make a fine meal.

2:59 Hours:

-After some more Tank horse-crap the game made up on the fly just to rob me of victory, we make it to the Church… And are greeted by another Tank.

Zoey dies.

Then I die.

Then I consider if I shouldn’t be feeding my dick into a wood-chipper as an alternative means of entertainment.

3:24 Hours:

-More Witch, Hunter nonsense, and we’re back at the church. Grab a pipe-bomb, spend the next 2 minutes setting up gas canisters. I start the crescendo, shoot a distant gas-canister, and a Smoker pulls me toward the flames before the horde even arrives.

3:27 Hours:

-I startled a Witch. Zoey died.

…Huh?

3:35 Hours:

-Tank when I was on my last legs. Heard him readying his slab of concrete, so I limped toward a nearby van and crouched, sure that the slab would fly over or at the very least be crushed in the collision with the van. I died.

….HUH???

3:41 Hours:

-I hear if you shoot a Witch in the head with a shotgun blast, it’s an instant-kill. I believe the term is “Crowning”. 6 point-blank Shotgun blasts to the face beg to differ.

3:50 Hours:

-No Tanks and an avoidable Witch. Zoey and Louis are on their last legs. No gas canisters or grenades at the Church. Guess how that turned out?

4:01 Hours:

-Tank killed Zoey. During a horde. What kind of a**hole puts both of those things at the same time?

4:23 Hours:

-Just me and Mr. Church Guy. I sure hope he doesn’t spawn as a Hunter and somehow magically endure 2 point-blank Shotgun-

4:24 Hours:

FUUUUUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING

GODDAMN CHEATING SUCKING FUCKING

ASSHOLES!!!@!%$^111oneone

4:35 Hours:

-Okay, did Zoey seriously do something to piss off Valve? Why is it never Louis? Or Bill? Why is it always the girl? Did her design remind one of the coders of an ex-girlfriend, and they use this game to take out his revenge on her over and over? Because I am fine with that explanation, I just wish I knew the answer. None of the characters are faster, stronger or markedly different in their performance. So why is she always the first to bite the dust?

Is it the hunting rifle? Because in the odd times where Louis or Bill had a rifle, they never died all of the time always. This is very strange.

4:47 Hours:

-GAWD FINALLY ARGH

4:49 Hours:

-A seriously injured party member, and two who respawned at the start of the stage. 4 Medkits. I take one, Bill is healed, and…

Umm, guys? Medkits here!

…Medkits here!

MEDKITS HERE!

MEDKITS HERE!!!!

They give me dull-eyed stares in return. In no other place in the game do they utterly refuse to take Medkits. So now I’m the only guy with a way to heal anyone after the Crescendo AND Tank battle coming up. But knowing these nimrods, two of them will be critically injured before we cross the street.

4:51 Hours:

-A Smoker killed me after taking a few steps out to snipe the zombies in the street below. My allies were less than 4 feet away. All it took was a short climb down a ladder and a whack, and I’d be free. Instead the three of them looked out into the distance.

No, that’s okay. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you guys. You three just stand perfectly still while my neck is broken. Really. I was tired of living anyway.

5:27 Hours:

-All of us are at or near 1 Health and on our last legs. The safe-room is just over that fence. The AI Director has a sense of humour. Guarding the safe-room is a very pissed-off gorilla man.

5:48 Hours:

-Tank. Pinned Zoey down. I heard(from the same place as the Witch “crowning”) that you can distract a Tank from a fallen comrade by meleeing it twice. Doing this made it turn and approach me farther away, giving Louis and Bill a chance to pick her up. It raised its arms up high, ready to turn me into a fine pulp. Zoey died.

…Are you f$%^&ing kidding me?

[Look, I get that this isn't a documentary. I shouldn't expect total realism in a game about zombies. But if I punched Gabe Newell in the mouth for unleashing this unfathomably terrible game onto the masses, the Emperor of Japan's wife across the world would not suffer the blow. I don't mind when it's not realistic if it means we get to fight giant monster people for kicks. I mind it greatly when that same monster attacks me, yet someone off in the distance is the one who takes damage. This is not a long-range fighter. There is no reasonable explanation for this. There is no conceivable way playtesters wouldn't have caught this. Which means Valve willingly released a game where its most obvious creation fails to operate in the way it's supposed to. Was this patched since the release?]

6:19 Hours:

-3 downed allies, and a Smoker in a place I have no way of being able to defend myself from. And because the game demands that another player save you, we are sent back to the Safe-Room.

This is the kind of douche-bag game design that utterly ruined Final Fantasy XI. What should be about encouraging teamwork instead FORCES teamwork. This doesn’t make the game more fun. It makes me want to toss napalm in the face of the nearest Valve employee’s first-born child in retribution. It effectively ensures that dying in this game is almost never the fault of the player, and almost always the fault of unreasonable expectations from the developer.

I wouldn’t even play on Expert mode. Advanced sounds like it’d be right up my alley, doesn’t it? Except, there’s no such thing as Advanced mode. Not in this game. What they did was they copied and pasted “WIN AT EVERYTHING FOREVER” mode three times, and then it jumps right back up to “IMPOSSIBLE”. Expert mode should be hard. Instead, it’s just one unfair cheap death after another that defies the rules of the game. This is the antithesis of fun.

6:30 Hours:

-Tank. I led it away while plugging, in total, 2 point-blank clips(20 rounds) from my shotgun. Louis, Zoey and Bill fired at it in a heavily co-ordinated attack. An orbital cannon caught the action and offered its divine ray for our cause. Those galaxy-sized robots from Gurenn-Laggen joined in. The Autobots and the Decepticons put aside their differences to fight this common foe. GI Joe and Cobra unite. Captain Falcon did that one punch attack of his that once blew up the solar-system. All of the characters from Pokemon, Digimon, Medabots, Yu-Gi-Oh, Beyblade, Bakugan, Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball Z, Eureka 7, Gundam Wing, Fullmetal Alchemist, He-Man, Thundercats, X-Men, Justice League and Final Fantasy all focused every single attack in all of their mythos’ into one existence-eradicating Final Blast.

The Tank sometimes has an infinite amount of health. Did I forget to mention that? It’s kind of important. Also, most of that may have been a rage-induced hallucination.

6:46 Hours:

-At last, I have reached the Finale. Before she drops dead of a previously undiagnosed heart-condition, Zoey offers this piece of wisdom:

“This’ll all be over soon!”

Day 216:

Food is scarce. The winter approaches. But I remain steadfast in my mission to burn down Valve’s corporate headquarters. Only fire can cleanse the black fortress from this world. Only then can we rejoice. Free! Free from the wretched, seeping malice that poured out over the land from atop belching crimson spires. Back to the fire with you! Watch ‘em cinders burn.

In conclusion, I rescind all of my enthusiasm for this video game. Fuck Bill. Fuck Zoey. Fuck Francis. Fuck Louis. Fuck Chet. Fuck Gabe. Fuck Chicago Ted. And fuck everyone working at Valve, and all of their family and friends and shareholders. Fuck them all straight to hell.

And when you get there, tell the devil I sent you.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

This is a follow-up to my previous post on the subject.

Eventually a 2nd season was commissioned, and to my amazement it had a brand new cast of characters in the same world and continuity. The original cast was still around, but they’d (gasp!) grown up! Well, a little bit at least. They were wiser, more mature, but not adults just yet. They were allowed to age, and see that things didn’t turn out quite the way they thought they would when they were younger and battling giant beetles. When was the last time that happened? “How many years has Bart Simpson been 10?” Rugrats attempted that years later and it bankrupted Klasky Csupo… Or was it Clasky Ksupo?

HA! HA! They're using the interne- Wait, so... what exactly are those two girls doing with that cup?

The 2nd season made some interesting contributions. The first season had 16 good guys to root for. This was reduced to 10, which meant they had to be extra careful. Fewer allies to come and pull their chestnuts out of the fire. And this time, they faced a lead villain who was also a human teenager like themselves. His devious plans involve making it impossible for the Digimon to assume their more powerful forms. He is a genuine prick for the first half, but it becomes apparent that he was a gifted young man unable to cope with teenage life, cracking under the pressure to succeed. All around him are gawkers obsessively boosting his ego until it reaches dictatorial heights. He decides, wrongly, to take out his frustrations on the inhabitants of the digital plane. If worse came to worse, the digidestined would have to kill the bad guy in the last season. But now they’re faced with a human being, and worse, someone they know is not merely a “villain”. It’s much more of a grey issue here. That’s what I call raising the stakes.

It also introduced two of my all-time favourite cartoon characters: “Yolei” and “Hawkmon”.

Before these two, the characters and digimon were paired by gender. This was the first girl-boy team. I don’t think I’ve seen a pair of characters like these two in anime since. At first glance, you’d expect the tall girl with glasses to be simply “The Nerd”, gadget-girl type of character. She even bears more than a passing resemblance to Lucca from Chrono Trigger, the poster-girl for gadget-obsessed characters. That’s the category typical animation would shoehorn her into. In the early episodes, this seems to be the way to get people initiated with the character. But instead of parading that out to be her defining(read: only) trait, the show makes it out to be but one aspect of this person as a whole. An unusual sight in a cartoon character. Beyond that, I’m not sure what archetype she fits.

To infinity...!

She reminds me of a lot of the general aspects of the women I’ve met and seen, instead of fulfilling one niche subset of her gender. She’s certainly intelligent, but is in no way the brain of the group. Her solutions resemble common sense and wishful thinking. She isn’t uptight or elegant, nor what you would call a tomboy. She’s tall for her age and fiercely determined, but not threatening. She is concerned about her looks, even though she is pretty easy on the eyes. She’s hard on herself sometimes, but not all of the time. She’s not a perpetually happy-go-lucky or sugary character. She’s understated, but sometimes she is clever. Sometimes she overreacts or speaks when it’s best to say nothing, but she is not a blabbermouth. The closest she has to family baggage is existing in a cramped family.

Like any character in this series, she harbours real human weakness. She is brash, and first impressions are tricky for her. Her trust is the hardest to gain of the new team, but once obtained is impossible to lose. She is known to jump to conclusions. She is quick to crush on the boys, and despite her sarcasm is not above being a huge dork when appropriate. Smack dab between aloof and outgoing, she has genuine flaws that, in a strange way, embolden her.

I think... this might actually be a realistic interpretation of a human female!

Much of this came across for me through Tifanie Christun’s english portrayal of her. According to Wikipedia, she was in her 40’s when she played the role. That kind of thing impresses me(although not as much as knowing Chiyo-chan’s voice actress is about the same age). Never once does she veer the character into familiar territory. The wrong person for the job might have made her into something less, but which we know already. Yomi’s english representative in Azumanga Daioh was so clueless, she tried to make the mature and level-headed gal into a valley girl. I don’t recall this character ever being annoying, even when by all rights she should have been(there are moments where she whines and complains, but her voice and animation prevent it from hurting this character’s appeal. I’ll bet the staff at Toei had a lot of fun animating her and her puffy pants). Christun gave Yolei a sense of balance, a humility not often encountered in female characters.

Hawkmon I like for his striking design, his colours, and his responsible demeanor. And I could listen to his perfect, “thesbian birdy” voice forever. I’d nearly forgotten it. I had to stop and listen to it again and again when I re-introduced myself to this series a few days ago. His is a welcome presence. His patient tutelage and nurturing acts in accordance with Yolei’s headstrong nature. He instructs and encourages Yolei to better herself, but does not -impose- his advice. He wouldn’t offer it if there weren’t some unspoken desire for improvement from his partner. He does not come off as pompous or overly sophisticated. He has an air of britishness to him, but I don’t recall him ever being too… butlery. He is certain, not arrogant. He even feels a little older than the other Digimon of his rank. And even then, I don’t think he ever had all of the answers either. An odd pairing, but it is made quickly apparent that no two characters in this show are more right for each other.

A damn fine team.

And his samurai/helicopter form is the coolest thing that ever happened in the show.

I am going to disclose something about myself that I have told only a handful of souls before. It is a subject of no small embarrassment that Yolei, that celluloid creation from a far-off land was the target of my first-ever crush. I know how silly this sounds. My little heart was ravaged by the shocker in the season finale that she grew up to marry Ken, the reformed Digimon Emperor. Devastating. I was melancholy before that, but that was the closest I’d ever been (and will most likely ever be) to a dreaded First Breakup. That damaged my outlook and attitude more than anything else I’ve endured. It is what made me the cynical bastard before you. That was the catalyst. Now you know.

The source of all of my snarky video game rants.

You don’t have to tell me there was no hope for a meaningful relationship there. Can you imagine the complications that would arise in the bedroom? Have you ever tried to fuck a television? But logic be damned, it took me years to get over it. In the most unfortunate and disgraceful scene of my life, I was still recovering from this blow when I had encountered a wonderful gal in real life. Let me tell you, she blew Yolei out of the water. We met in high school, and she quickly became the first vagina-carrier I would call an acquaintance. I don’t know if she was interested in me, but whether or not she was sending me those signals, I certainly sent mine. It was not a pleasant transmission, but I was once-bitten, so…

Actually, I wasn’t bitten. But it sure felt like there were tooth marks. I don’t think there was ever a chance for something more, for me and my friend to become something closer to “us”. But I can’t help but wonder. If I weren’t such a depressed douche at the time, maybe…

Well, you get the gist. I moved on from Ms. Inoue(later Mrs. Ichijoji), and I discovered too late that I much prefer a lady who can actually respond to me. Or, you know, who actually exists.

OBJECTION!!!

Although I was surprised that she picked Ken, of all of the cast. Didn’t see that one coming. Seemed like it was chosen just for the purposes of shock value(I’ve heard similar befuddlement over the Matt/Sora pairing from the first season). Especially since I don’t remember them interacting with each other very much, and I could have sworn the show was nodding her in the direction of other characters. She did have a crush on him early on, but then, she is swiftly smitten. Rare is the episode where she is not pining for some new teenage heart-throb Digidestined. Not to mention Ken’s stint as the Digimon Emperor does not look easily forgivable. And if fmylife.com is any indicator, anyone who has a crush on anyone else NEVER ENDS UP WITH THAT PERSON. Ours is a sad, sad world, so I can’t blame ‘em for not making their kids’ show completely realistic like that…

[Not that I'm the first to suggest the writers made up that show as it went along. There was an entire episode where Kari escapes from a strange, Lovecraftian, shadow-world cult who swears revenge against her. It seemed pretty important. This is never, ever brought up again in the show's run. I guess Elder Ones are all talk.]

The thing about me is I am starved for new sights and experiences, for art and entertainment I have never seen before. I had never before heard of anyone or anything like Yolei in my youth. I’d never seen a character like that in any other cartoon, movie, or video game. She was unlike anything I could imagine at the time, and she’s still a rare sight today. I treasure the characters like that, those wholly original or underutilized character designs. I could not believe that Yoleis weren’t more common in cartoons. I don’t think there’s a single cliche involved with her or her avian companion. They represent the very best visual designs in the show’s run, and my favourite members of the cast.

SHLEP!

I don’t reserve those heavier feelings for works of fiction anymore, but on a different level I greatly admire and respect what these characters are about. It’s so easy to stick to the road oft travelled than to branch out. Many character designs do not take risks and are a display of desperate ignorance on the part of their designers. Not here. Toei and Saban/Bandai knew exactly what they were going for. Hawkmon is delightfully instructive without overstepping his bounds, and brimming with respect. Yolei is a breath of fresh air from what we’ve come to expect from females in children’s shows. Together, they’re an invaluable force in the show. Sometimes a character works for all of the things they don’t do, or what they do instead.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Since his reveal, I’ve been scratching my head in regards to Ellis. Something about him just rubs me the wrong way. I don’t know if it’s the fact that he seems to be possessed by the spirit of Goofy, or if it’s his increasingly bland design(pay attention to his colours throughout the demos he’s been shown in. He’s looking more and more like a common infected every day). Certainly I don’t object to a younger character with a southern accent, but they seem to be doing it all wrong here.

Just look at him. Isn't that a face just BEGGING to be kicked?

What could make him work? What is he missing? Gentlemen, I believe I have the answer:

That, or a cowboy hat. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

More like the Douchebag Emperor

For over twenty episodes in the 2nd season of Digimon, the lead villain is Ken Ichijouji, a teenage prodigy calling himself the “Digimon Emperor”. He enslaves these computerized critters for his own means(which generally amount to just being the biggest jerk-face in the digital world). The only character truly on his side is his caterpillarish advisor, who takes heaps of his master’s abuse and nevertheless tries to get him to see the light.

Like many cartoon villains, he is presented as entirely sure of himself, assumes every simple weakling under his command will somehow defeat the group of spunky kids that foiled tougher plans, and even in defeat ends every episode with a smug laugh. If it weren’t for the fact that he’s also the first flesh and blood antagonist(making the fact that every other major villain in the show had to be killed a stickier solution here), there wouldn’t be a whole lot to him. In fact he’s pretty run-of-the-mill as far as cartoon bad guys go. Not much we haven’t seen before.

When civil rights come along...

Then the show pulls the rug out from under us. We see his personal life. We are shown the unenviable pressure to be the best at everything ever, from school tests to soccer. All of this comes courtesy of insufferable jackasses that constitute his fan-club. He is in the news every day, in what must be a Japan enduring the slowest news month of all time. One news exposé proudly claims: “One of his talents includes playing a single game of chess while everyone watches!” Every boy wants to be his pal, every girl wants to be his gal. His parents seem an encouraging calm in the storm, but they learn all too late that they weren’t exactly helping. This is nothing that excuses his behaviour, mind you, but it’s something to note.

Then he loses the only person who was really looking out for his best interests. For a boy leading his grade in test scores, he is genuinely shocked to learn that everything in the world he claims lordship over is a little more than just binary code. He is soundly defeated, the once high-and-mighty reduced to something whimpering and pathetic. Almost makes you feel sorry for the guy, if not for the fact that his running away from the pressures of reality came at a great cost to everyone around him.

After the initial conflict is over, we get an entire episode devoted to him, back in his home world. The episode is titled: “Genesis of Evil”. It is exactly the kind of thing children’s entertainment is normally too weak-kneed to explore. It gives us a deeper look into a damaged young man than we knew was there. By the end, we care for a personality intent on being an asshole for over 10 hours before. That’s no small feat.

Did you know that he wasn’t always the bright centre of this Japanese neighborhood’s universe? Did you know that he had an older brother, whose similar talents attracted similar adoration and attention from an entertainment-starved community? Did you know that little Ken idolized and resented his brother for being the main recipient of his parent’s affection? I was not. Years after seeing this show, I had forgotten those details. I was also unaware that there is a good reason why his brother isn’t around during the time the show takes place. Some family tragedies take longer to heal than others. What happened to his elder brother Sam left an aching canyon through Ken’s heart.

No wonder he acts out. At least he had some control over life and death in the digital world.

“Genesis of Evil” features none of the main cast, and few of the show’s namesake merchandisable monsters. There is no action. No fight scenes. No awful “rock” music. No time-wasting “digivolving” sequences. It is instead a deep-reaching peek into a severely hurt human being. It explores Ken’s early life, his youthful frustrations, his agonizing regrets, and his wind-wrenched search for what’s left of his soul. He finds a place where all things digital seem to begin, and there he faces the terrible music. It is not a happy ending, but it’s a start. And even if it is, he will always carry an impossible debt.

This is a kid’s show, I remind you. And it is a little heavy-handed, but it got to me. This episode took greater risks and reaps a greater payoff than much adult-themed programming can claim. Just two or three episodes ago, I was still hating this kid’s guts, and now here I am mourning his lot in life. Now I see he wasn’t just a 2-dimensional, cardboard cut-out. He is revealed as someone of great potential ruined by childhood tragedy, and small-minded bottom-feeders. Further, this makes a previously unseen dimension visible in older episodes. His wormly sidekick thinks of him as a gentle person, and his downfall could be attributed to him trying to go against his better nature. Now we see where he came from, and how a bright young man can turn out to be a Digimon Emperor.

“Villain” might not be the best word for Ken Ichijouji. But I can safely say the first two seasons never had a better antagonist. No, not even the Kefka-impersonator.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Left 4 Dead 2 is not the first game to be banned in Australia for having excessive violence, and it will not be the last. It was banned because there is no equivalent to an R-rating for video games in Australia, despite being the only major western country without one. This is entirely Michael Atkinson’s fault. I’ve spoken on this before. His head in the sand actually prevents the topic from being discussed or viewed publicly, and a unanimous vote is needed for this sort of thing. As is par the course for this sort of thing, he hides behind the “WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!” defense.

But why stop there?

Australia is allowed to have X and R-rated movies. Kids might see The Shawshank Redemption. Better put a stop to that. And we’d better do away with any television and music that isn’t geared towards infants. Otherwise children might watch The Wire and… be thoroughly entertained?

Kids are known for their horrible sewer-mouths when not in the company of a parent or guardian. We should prevent children from interacting with other children to protect their virgin ears.

In fact, how about we all live in separate plastic bubbles in a vacuum, completely free from the world and the harsh realities that every well-adjusted human being needs to know and see before they can truly say they have “grown up”? Otherwise those little pricks might start thinking or living for themselves.

Isn’t life in Australia abysmal enough? These guys have to pay upwards of $100 U.S. for a game that came out in the states somewhere in the late 1950’s. 90% of all posts on fmylife.com, a site devoted to sharing in personal tragedy, are from Australians. Their daily existence is a howling vortex of shit.

You want to protect children, Mike? Maybe let them take their minds off of sharing a continent with Box Jellyfish, otherwise known as one of the most dangerous animals on planet Earth. Trust me on this one: Those squiggly Lovecraftian nightmares will do more considerable lasting damage to a young one than seeing a zombie’s organs fall out.

No wonder Yahtzee’s always got a bug up his butt about something.

END OF LINE

~A.H.