Half-Masked

I know how to save the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise:

An animated television show mixing action and comedic timing starring Team Chaotix from Sonic Heroes. Having discarded their life of servitude to the Eggman, they decide to take that experience and knowledge of the henchmen lifestyle and create a detective agency to fight crime. However, they usually end up failing miserably in their jobs and causing more harm than good. Sometimes their cases are redundant(such as The Case of the Missing Shoelace), and they invent elaborate conspiracies to convince their clients to keep paying them. During a lack of case-work, they must find other, more mundane means of employment.

-Espio the Chameleon is the frustrated leader of the pack, specializing in stealth. He is bitter with his girly appearance, and struggles to maintain his sanity in a world lacking in it. Despite being able to camouflage himself against any environment, he still occasionally wears a ninja suit to work(and also whenever he feels like it, including his sister’s wedding). He carries a rude demeanor and deadpan sarcasm into every episode, but he is not entirely devoid of empathy.

-Charmy is a curious little bee who performs reconnaissance due to his ability of flight. The world is terrified of him, mostly because, as Cracked.com put it: “…a bee showing up in an office has about the same effect as a crazed gunman.” Because of this, Espio is his only friend, and so diligently follows his every order without hesitation. Even when Espio takes advantage of his abilities for his personal amusement. He is this series’ “Tails”, although more mature and useful. He tries to keep an upbeat attitude, which is a trying experience for him given his company. He is actually a little smarter than Espio, but he looks up to him and is more willing to go along with Espio’s plans on principle.

-Vector is… Well… He’s mostly there to provide a “soundtrack” to Espio and Charmy’s adventures, but his taste in music can best be summed up with the words “Radio Disney”. Despite this, he insists that he is “phat” and “down” with the trends of today. His voice and dialogue renders it impossible for Espio and Charmy to pin down if he is supposed to be black or white. The correct answer is he is retarded.

His job during missions is to sit in the car with the window slightly cracked open, while his mix-tape plays to keep him busy. To date he has never fulfilled his duty. Espio and Charmy both attempt to either abandon or actually kill Vector, but he somehow finds a way to come back every time no worse for the wear. Even if the Chaotix-Wagon is padlocked, encased in lead and tossed into a volcano, he will show up at the most inopportune moment just to show his friends a “hip-new song” that they, like, HAVE to hear(it is always the Macarena. Always. Except for that one time when it was Love Story). Due to their enhanced other senses, the deaf can actually -taste- the awful music blaring from his perpetual boom-box.

In one episode, he would be kidnapped by Eggman, and it does not affect Espio or Charmy’s lives in any way whatsoever. In fact, Vector is so annoying that the ransom is reversed, Eggman offering Espio and Charmy a cash reward to take him back. Eventually he topples the Eggman empire just by proximity, and when he returns he finds Espio and Charmy have found true happiness and fullfilment in different places. Even the Middle East begins peace talks. All of this abruptly falls apart as soon as he is back in their lives. Vector is the death-march of the status-quo.

And then get the guys who did the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog to animate it. And the guys responsible for Phineas and Ferb to write it.

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TL;DR VERSION:

I was very bored today.

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~A.H.