I played Prince of Persia (2008) today. It’s going pretty good, up until it remembers it’s a modern day Prince of Persia game, so not even 10% of the way through the game starts throwing in blind jumps. Blind jumps in a video game are unacceptable. –>UNACCEPTABLE<–. They show an appalling lack of creativity and technical skill. They are an admission of inadequacy from the developer.
Mr. Newell,
How would you define a video game that is glitchy, impossible-to-play garbage, where defeat is always due to unreasonable demands and outright cheating on the part of the computer? A game crafted by people without any confidence or respect in their work, and no concern for the enjoyment of their audience. Games that don’t care when their own rules fall apart at the expense of the player, and are rushed out the door when they could still use a few more months in the oven. A game utterly contemptuous of standards of quality, and for the poor souls who might purchase it.
The popular term is “shovelware”. I call it “Left 4 Dead 2“.
It occurred to me the other day that perhaps I was being unfair in my open letter to Gabe Newell, and in fact my review of Left 4 Dead 2. I criticized those who only played online and ignored the single-player content. I said they were “only playing half of the game”.
Well wasn’t I doing the same? I was only playing the single-player content. Until recently, I never had the means to try it online. Now I have.
In fact, if you join Xbox Live today, you too can experience the never-ending anguish that is trying to play any modern video game online!
Oh boy, where do I sign up?!
My friend let me borrow his Xbox Live adaptor doo-hickey, and we made a new account to see what the deal is all about. It is exactly as terrible as I imagined it would. Do people really pay money for this crap? Yeah, if you happen to magically avoid all of the above, it can be fun. Maybe. But it accounts for 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000001% of all of the time spent on Live. The reward doesn’t come close to making up for the unimaginable torment of TRYING to find that one golden game.
Now do you see why I play the Single-Player content? At least bots don’t rage-quit while insulting my mother for a slow connection on their end. Life is too short for Xbox Live.
END OF LINE
~A.H.
“Bullet-Hell” games are notoriously difficult side-scrolling(or top-down) shooters in Japan. Usually starring girls in french maid uniforms instead of anything actually capable of firing ammunition for some reason. They don’t often make the jump stateside, but apparently that’s going to change for something called “Deathsmiles”.
According to publisher Aksys’s Cherie Baker, a western audience will soon know the joys of “little girls flying through a gothic otherworld to destroy the horrific, necrotic Imperator Tyrannosatan.”
Tyrannosatan.
No, really.
TYRANNOSATAN! Don’t tell me you wouldn’t localize the shit out of any game whose lead villain was called that.
PUBLISHER: “So, it’s a game with a very low, niche stateside audience, with subject matter that can’t be marketed to anyone, ever, and is impossible to play for a generation of people accustomed to save-states and Easy modes holding their hands?”
DEVELOPER: “Correct. But the last boss is called “Tyrannosatan”.
PUBLISHER: “How much money do you want? You know what, I’ll just write a blank check. I trust you.”
END OF LINE
~A.H.
10. Nick
-To think that anything could flower from such rot. The only character in Left 4 Dead 2 that appealed to me was “Nick”. He plays off of the con-man shtick you’ve seen in zombie movies a million times, but with a twist: He’s not just looking out for himself. The archetype would be a deceiver, a cheat, a coward and an antagonist. Nick is supposed to be the self-absorbed grump, the sarcastic loner with the fancy suit. He seems at first the most annoyed by Ellis, a pessimist foil to Coach’s zeal and a lecher to Rochelle.
But listen to his dialogue, and his tone: his jabbings at the country-boy are in jest, playful even(their relationship is like a nicer Phantos and Al). He admits simple, honest respect for Coach, and something a little deeper for Rochelle. He never says “thank you”, and he’d never admit it, but I think he threw away the con-man bullshit very early on. And he is the most visibly appalled by the innocent casualties in later levels. To die by zombies is one thing, but even this swindler can see a lot of people have been robbed.
Hugh Dillon gives perhaps the only worthy performance in this game. He does not play a good man, but through the apocalypse we find he is capable of humanity, more than he may give himself credit for. Under those expensive clothes there’s actually a person inside.
There are three unavoidable things in life:
-Taxes
-Death
-and articles about how awesome cartoon show theme music used to be.
This won’t be a top 10 list. We’re all sick of those. But when discussing theme songs about transforming dinosaurs that shoot lasers at skeleton monsters, one must give props to the classics. “Transformers”. “Jem”. “The Raccoons”. The eighties had no short supply of kickass cartoon openings.
But for my money, the renaissance started to kick in with the full swing of the 90’s. We had Batman: The Animated Series aping the music from the Tim Burton movie. The American “Digimon” theme. X-Men the Animated Series. Iggy Pop’s “Monster Men” for the show “Space Goofs”. Many of the “Steven Spielberg presents…” cartoons as well, like Tiny Toons, Animaniacs and Freakazoid all had catchy opening numbers. Cybersix. If you haven’t heard any of those, get your butt on down to Youtube. You’ve got some catching up to do.
Disney might have the best track record for cartoon theme songs. Even if the quality of the show immediately after the songs were about as entertaining as a root canal. A root canal by a goat farmer who refuses to wash his hands. From the House of Mouse we got the theme songs to “Duck Tales”, “Tale Spin”, “Bonkers!”, “Gummi Bears” and fucking “Gargoyles”. I think to consider yourself a musical success, you need only compose half that many boss theme songs in your time on planet Earth.
It occurs to me(after much more thought than is healthy) that perhaps no theme song, cartoon or otherwise, is more instantly recognizable than that of a certain cartoon theme song. Can you guess which one?
My favourite theme song comes courtesy of Doctor Who, but Cracked.com pointed out that you can’t go into any random location with people, start the first few notes of the Doctor Who theme and have everyone be on the same page. There are starving children in Africa who have never heard of a television, and they know this theme by heart. It has become tattooed on our musical subconscious.
That is why, if ever our planet is called upon to represent itself among other space-faring species, in some Intergalactic United Nations, I nominate this song to be our planet’s anthem.
Kids would be more than happy to go to school, if they had to sing THAT every morning, their hands pressed to their little hearts. That is how you start the day, goddamn it. That is how you get kids to take an interest in learning, and it’s good to show pride for your space rock.
END OF LINE
~A.H.