• World of Warcraft
• Halo 2
• & Grand Theft Auto III

I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in…

Welcome back. If you think any of those are a suitable choice to represent ten years of progress, I am not convinced you have played many video games. Russ Pitts writes:

“We live in a culture that’s been led to believe people deserve recognition for bothering to show up at all. That’s fine. Everyone likes to feel like a winner sometimes. But when everyone is a winner, greatness loses its meaning, achievements become meaningless, and the ideas that will help propel videogaming to the next level go unrecognized. At The Escapist we consider that unacceptable.“

———-

No, Russ, what’s unacceptable is that you wrote all of this with a straight face, and then on the next page listed “Halo 2″ as a nominee for “Game of the Decade”. If that was your idea of a joke, nobody is laughing. Of course, you should be pretty used to that by now.

I shouldn’t have to tell you that Halo 2 is a cancer on the industry, paving the way for a dumbing-down of virtually every major video game release since. It can all be traced back to the inexplicable success of one of the worst, rushed, content-deprived first-person shooters of all time. All that game accomplished was convincing publishers and developers that it was acceptable practice(and profitable!) to show zero concern for interaction or presentation, thus setting back the artistic movement of this medium by years.

And you’re honestly considering rewarding that, after writing a self-fellating foreword about how you don’t agree with rewarding meritlessness? Instead of video games that actually tried? How can you defend this decision? Why the absolute worst game in the Halo series? Even Halo 3 at least had the level customization to fall back on.

Shadow of the Colossus(which you might remember as a video game that actually means something, and unlike Halo 2 will actually matter twenty years from now) is bizarrely absent. Several Final Fantasies as well. What are you trying to tell your audience? That a website devoted to acknowledging this medium’s attempts to communicate something profound and entertaining believes World of Warcraft is more significant than Braid? Braid has not prompted anyone to go into detox clinics because it destroyed their life.

Or are you trying to say that Grand Theft Auto III has a better story than Ico?

Is Halo 2 a better video game than Silent Hill 2? Does it ask bigger questions? Does it analyze human nature in a way that is tragic and horrifying all at once? If you do think so, I think one of the men on your payroll might have a problem with that. And if we’re talking about first-person shooters, why not Portal? Or Half-Life 2? Would that have made too much sense?

An easy way to fix this would be to include more than 3 nominee spots. It is short-sighted to believe an entire decade can be summed up in three of anything. I’d go so far as to call it insanity. Too much has happened to video games in the last 10 years to reduce it down to such meager highlights. It is thinking small, which is irresponsible for champions of video game criticism.

The choices seem based on the impact they had on what we do on Saturday nights, instead of how we spend that time, or why we must do that instead of anything else. They reflect everything wrong with video games: Addiction. Mediocrity. Purposeless aggression. None of the choices reflect what makes video games great. Not one has a compelling story, meaningful characters or even an entertaining script. None of those games are about anything. Not one understands the human beings who play them.

I propose that any “Game of the Decade” award shouldn’t just be about how many people bought it, or what effect it had on society. Or even merely how well it “plays”. Every great movie, song, game or book must first reach inside yourself, and be an experience of real intellectual, psychological or emotional value. When your fans put more thought into this than you have, it’s time to re-evaluate things.

Even IGN showed more sense than your staff. That is nothing less than a tragedy, the shameful, premature death of all of the credibility you and the otherwise fine folks at The Escapist have worked so hard to secure.

Russ, if you’re going to reward worthlessness in this industry, I will not and cannot stop you. But you might want to consider re-writing the foreword to reflect that. All I’m asking for is some consistency.

Either that, or cancel “Game Dogs”. Please.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Addictive gameplay can be a positive thing in certain video games. Not here. And to those of you who think I can’t make an opinion because I haven’t tried it on Xbox Live, you may proceed directly to kiss my ass, because I endured two separate, equally hellish month-long free trials to see if that theory holds weight. I don’t think this game has the capacity to ruin my life as much as Everquest and World of Warcraft have(and continue to do) for many people, but I won’t allow it the chance to try. I’m trading that shit in, and if they won’t accept it, I will set fire to it.

I’m not kidding. It is the first game since E.T. for the Atari that warrants having every remaining copy rounded up and destroyed, to spare future generations of its wrath.

Like I said earlier, I went on Xbox Live to dissuade the argument that “Nah, brah, you can’t judge until you’ve played it until the heat-death of the universe, then it gets awesome“. Here are a couple of things I learned from the experience:

1. The British are coo-coo-bananas for Left 4 Dead. You will not play a single match online and NOT have a member of the United Kingdom participating. At any hour of the day, in any game mode, in even the loneliest of servers, you will hear a British accent mocking your testicles as his Hunter avatar tears into you. British women too. I don’t know what it is, specifically, about THIS game, but the Red Coats just can’t get enough of it. It just reaches them, in some way, more than any other demographic you can find on Xbox Live.
2. Not having a microphone is apparently a capital punishment. I don’t know the statistics, but at least half of the games you try to join will automatically kick any player who doesn’t have a headset mic. Regardless of your skill level or reputation. This is prejudice. It is also incredibly backwards, because the worst teams I have played with and against were those who openly used their mics at every opportunity. It does not, in fact, make you better at the game. And strategy? Doesn’t exist in this game. It can’t. By the time you tell your team-mates to “stand by the corner to hold them off while I toss a pipe-bomb”, everyone is dead from a HUNTER/SMOKER/CHARGER/SPITTER/TANK/HORDE combo.
3. You are all idiots and sore-losers. Hey, so am I. Left 4 Dead 2 encourages it. I don’t blame anyone who rage-quits after three solid poundings by a ridiculously unfair matchup of 2 vs. 4. But to quite in the first 30 seconds? Just because you’re not WINNING BY A RIDICULOUS MARGIN? Nine-year olds shouldn’t be allowed to play online games. And returning to the Mic-discussion again, I once went through an entire round of Halo 3 where my team-mate wouldn’t stop telling the other team to(and I quote) “Lick (his) chicken-asshole!”. Another person in Left 4 Dead spent an ENTIRE GAME singing a lewd version of “Buffalo Joe!”. And the strategies they offered were just as impotent, detailing such such vital game-plans as: “BRB, GOTTA GO PEE”, and “PHFT! PFHFTFHPHFTTHPFHPTPHPFHFPHFPHTHFPHTHFT” (which is literally the most intelligible thing I’ve heard over Xbox Live. It is a human making the sound, this I am sure, yet they never stopped to breathe. No rhythm, no melody, no purpose. Just spitting into a microphone forever).
4. I am actually pretty good at Left 4 Dead 2. This is the saddest point of all. I have beaten 4-person teams by myself in Versus. I have brought what looked to be 1,000 point-difference defeats into narrow victories. I am not saying I am “GREAT!” at this game, I have made gargantuan screw-ups like the rest of us. But my average of survival/death is unusually more favourable in this game than others. But that’s nothing to be proud of. Of all of the games for me to have even passing talent for, why is it the Worst Game Ever? Even being good at Halo would be better than this. I don’t expect anyone to believe me, especially not on the internet. But the people who are so insecure about my opinions that they choose to think I simply hate any game I’m not good at are a sad lot. A good game is one that’s fun even in defeat. This game isn’t fun even in victory.

In all of the time I spent trying to salvage some entertainment value from this service, I encountered a whopping Three(3) players who were courteous, calm, in it for the fun, and graceful in defeat. RuneWolf, geeking, XlorelleX, thank you for being the three sane pillars in a storm of homophobic retards. May your journeys into the Howling Stupid be fruitful.

Myself? I’m done with online games. And maybe Left 4 Dead. I’ll see how the third one turns out(fuck you, it’ll happen. Valve will do anything to avoid Half-Life.)

END OF LINE

~A.H.

It’s been so long since Aliens and Terminator 2, I’d forgotten what a good James Cameron movie looks like.  “Avatar” is a movie of incredible sights and sounds, a peek at a bizarrely beautiful(and dangerous) world, of which Cameron and his staff have spent more than a decade crafting. The end product is a big, ambitious romp, some of the best popcorn entertainment this side of Star Wars. But perhaps it is overlong, and unlike Star Wars, the simplicity of its message works against it.

Jake Sully(Sam Worthington) is a jarhead who lost the use of his legs on active duty. His brother is dead, and Earth’s military wants him to join the “Avatar” program. Because of his blood-relation, he is a perfect match to occupy the organically-grown towering blue cat-person his brother once commanded. Using what look like MRI/tanning beds, his own body goes into deep sleep while his consciousness is transferred into the body of a home-grown “Na’vi”. The transition period is short, although at nearly 3 hours, this may be a small blessing.

The military uses these avatars to infiltrate the indigenous tribes, gain their trust, and try to convince them to relocate before men with guns and bulldozers arrive. I’m sure you can guess from the commercials how well diplomacy works here. The natives fight back against the missiles, machine guns and armoured mechs of the military with sticks and arrows. This goes about as well as you can imagine.

But it is definitely exciting. The scenes of action are not the blurry, confusing mess of an approach that Hollywood seems to enjoy lately. For the most part you can tell what is happening, to whom, when, where, how and why. And because the screenplay does give at least passing personalities to the cast, the battles have some personal weight to them. That so few films understand this is very depressing.

I tried my best, dear reader, but the urge to perform a mocking “air-wank” gesture in reaction to the melodrama was too great to resist. Avatar has a morale, and an admirable one as well. But while the world of Pandora is rich in detail and mystery, the conflicts and the characters are anything but complex. This undoubtedly makes it easier for people the world over to get onboard(hell, the box office proves it). But this also kept it from receiving another star and a half from yours truly. It is more plot than story, its villains just barely shying away from twirling mustaches and tying blue kitty-cat people to railroad tracks.

This could not escape my thoughts as I watched, but it’s not fatal to the film. Heavy-handed film making is forgivable if what’s there can still be fun and intriguing. Visually-speaking, there may be no prettier film released in 2009. And its characters aren’t totally lacking dimensions. They have motivations, as well as inner-conflicts that happen alongside the very broad, very black-and-white epic confrontation of nature vs. conquest. But it was a little light for my tastes. If you can deal with knowing exactly what will happen and can make peace with that, how it happens might just surprise you.

It helps that some actors are instantly likable. You don’t have to ask for a lot from Sigourney Weaver or Michelle Rodriguez. And the CGI Na’vi are impeccable, interesting creations. Zoe Saldana’s “Ney’tiri” is one of the better character designs of the last year(and I have updated my Favourite list of 2009 to reflect this). Even if they are the least-subtle allegory for the plight of indigenous peoples I’ve seen at the movies. I agree with Bob Chipman, who said that District 9 did a better job at displaying “man’s inhumanity to man”, but I sincerely doubt that a white man’s guilt-trip is what’s filling the seats. It’s cool whip on top of an explosion flavoured pie.

At least it’s about something. It isn’t the earth-stopping phenomenon it could have been, but I can certainly name worse movies to break world records, or earn the big awards.

(Lastly I am unsure if I enjoy this new trend of 2 and a half, 3-hour long movies. Avatar is likewise a bladder-buster, but it is no slouch either. What I do enjoy is a trend that seems to have started with The Dark Knight: titles displayed at the very end, instead of at the beginning. The names of leading actors, executive producers and major distributors super-imposed over the opening scenes would be a distraction here. I’m not saying it’s right for all movies to be like this, but sometimes it’s better to just leap before you look.)

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Announcer Bitch: Now here comes our next skier, representing China.

Announcer Douche: Boy, all of this snow must remind him of a bowl of rice.

I don’t remember who, or when, or what station, because normally the Olympics appeals to my interests just slightly less than detailed write-ups of the tax benefits for fake vomit companies. Maybe I just imagined it. But I could swear this is an actual thing that was said. On international television during one of the most-watched events in the world. By a Canadian.

No, really.

I am going to avoid the rest of the events, for fear of what vile word-sludge will seep out of their jaws next. Can you imagine what their response would be to a black contestant at the top of the hill?

Announcer Bitch: “…representing Kenya.”

Announcer Douche: “Boy, all of this snow must remind him of the cotton fields, BECAUSE 1950′S-ERA RACIALLY INSENSITIVITY IN 2010 IS OKAY, RIGHT????”

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Still trying out different panel sizes and layouts and such. Man, why is it always the non-video game ones that take forever for me to finish?

END OF LINE

~A.H.

There is a point in Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann where two robots the size of the milky way pile-drive each other through other, smaller galaxies. They use galaxies as ninja throwing stars. Surely, half of the universe dies because of this conflict, all to protect Earth. One planet, versus the trillions instantly obliterated in their intergalactic wrestling match(and countless googol deaths). For once, the bad guy, who tried to stop this from happening, has better priorities than the “heroes”.

If any of that made you think “awesome!”, then there is nothing I can say to convince you otherwise. It’s not an uninteresting show, but it’s certainly not the masterpiece it is made out to be by its excitable fan-base. Viewers who know how to “turn their brains off” will no doubt enjoy themselves. But lord knows you’ll drive yourself crazy if you even think about flicking that switch back on. If it is supposed to be satire, a wink to the audience would’ve been nice.

We follow “Simon”, a young boy with an unfortunately pronounced first name, and his misadventures with an obnoxious, over-theatrical douche, a woman who exists only so the camera can zoom in on her breasts, and the typical cutesy mascot character sure to be a hit with the merchandise. In an underground city they dwell, drilling away with their little drills, dreaming of the surface world.

Okay, just so we’re all on the same page here; the drills in this show are synonymous with “penis”, right? Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks a good 90% of this show is compensation from very bitter, sexually deprived Japanese men. Much of the events in the show involve characters winning fights by having bigger and bigger drills than the other guy. But of course, it also relies on that insufferable trope where the hero’s chances are -literally- determined by the magic of BELIIEEEEEEVing in himself. That revolting cliche was overdone in the 80’s, when bad fantasy movies aimed at children sluggishly roamed the land like starving dinosaurs.

Mention must be made of the production values, which are excessive beyond anything I’ve ever seen. That is not a compliment. It is clear where all of the money went. This is the first anime that has so much light-show nonsense occurring on-screen, I can’t even tell what’s happening and why. There are faces behind these WWE mecha, but few are given adequate time in the spotlight. And then I’m expected to be moved by character deaths, betrayals, and all of that drama. Because the show barely follows even its principle characters, I’m sure I can be forgiven for not giving a rat’s ass when “Guy #12″ and “Dude #14″ perish.

There are too many faces and not enough show. Relationships are alluded to more than explored, and we are supposed to take it at face value. The English dub is a crime against humanity, which is why I stuck with the subtitles. Derek Stephen Prince as “Attenborough” is the best part of watching this in English, and I’ll bet his average number of lines per episode doesn’t amount to 1. Okay, him and Anti-Spiral, I guess. I think it’s the same guy who played “Angemon”. Didn’t know that guy could scream the way he does.

The plot does occasionally slow down to allow us to understand the weight of what’s happening, but not why I should be invested in the fates of these characters. It is too eager to get to the big fight scenes, without taking the time and effort to make them matter. It thinks it can make up for a stunning void of character depth by just presenting the battles on a bigger and bigger scale. The title mech combines with other pieces of technology, bigger and bigger each time. It is not unlike those toys of the little bowling-pin shaped gals. You open one up, and there’s a smaller version inside. Inside that is an even smaller one, and so on.

The problem is this is only exciting or interesting the first time. Trying the same twist over and over again is a clear sign of a lack of imagination on the part of the creator. It doesn’t raise the stakes, and it doesn’t make the cast any less bloated and meaningless. If you told these people that bigger =/= better, I imagine they might look at you like a confused puppy. There’s no time to make me care about anyone in this show. Not when they could be drawing iron fists smashing into each other. This show is the Michael Bay of Japanese cartoons.

The first eight episodes are abysmal, and it returns to this state by the end. But for a brief time in-between, it almost seems to want to be something more. It’s not nearly enough, but my favourite scene involves the main character’s grief over the loss of his best friend, and “bluff-brother”. He is the one everyone on the internet parrots whenever mention is made of this show. He is not that engaging. In Simon’s darkest hour, he stumbles upon a box. Inside is a young woman so enamored by the outside world, she can barely contain her happiness at rain and mud underneath her feet. Her voice captures how happy she is to be here, and to have been freed by this troubled young man.

They are exactly what they need at this point. It’s certainly a more poignant example of the young destined boy/MacGuffin girl pairing offered in the dreck that was Eureka 7. But at least Eureka 7 tried. At least it took its time to look at its characters more than its explosions. Nia and Simon’s first meeting is one of the few great moments in this series, and that is largely due to the lack of weird-shaped giant robot fights.

To be fair, even I felt the sudden rush of testosterone at key points. This show is not a total failure. The “Arc-Gurren-Lagann” sequence comes to mind. And it even starts to tackle some very interesting political issues later on. It sits on some deeply thought-provoking questions. If our population goes unchecked, will our species become a cancer on our world, even our universe? Is any attempt by a government to keep the numbers in check justifiable? TTGL isn’t prepared to handle those tricky subjects. It trips over its own attempts to be taken seriously, and decides it would rather shift its focus back on brainless violence.

The need for a political back-stabbing plot point altered an altruistic, sensible character into a cowardly incompetent, willing to sell his best friend’s life just to save himself the ire of some pissed-off civilians. Instead of feeling the shock of someone falling from grace(which is what I think they were going for here), it just felt like the show was cheating Rossiu. A character was shoe-horned into a role which he did not belong. And when that’s over, he’s instantly forgiven and the matter is done with forever. This show consistently cheats its audience with instantaneous, deus-ex-machina solutions.

I am sure those who read this will think I am some grumpy old coot who doesn’t know how to have fun. That all I want is “boring, talky art-film shit”. It is wrong to suggest that you can’t have giant robot fights AND a good story, or likable human characters. I can see why this show would appeal to someone, I just think there’s got to be much better examples out there. There is nothing here to warrant the years of endless hype from people whose judgment I otherwise trust.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann reaches for greater heights than it could ever hope to reach. This is what it would look like to finance a show based on the doodles on a twelve-year old’s binder. I was only recently convinced to give it a second chance, on the counsel of someone who knows a great deal more about anime than I ever will. She called it her second-favourite anime of the last ten years, above Fullmetal Alchemist and Death Note.

An uncharacteristically bizarre decision? I can’t cast the first stone; I liked the first “Transformers” movie. But there’s a contrast between Transformers and “Revenge of the Fallen”.

Mass Effect 2 is a game everyone was looking forward to for its branching dialogue trees, rich narrative, character building, and pretty much just reading a whole bunch of interesting stuff about this space-opera in-game. So EA and Bioware decided that the text should be so small that nobody can fucking enjoy the game for the reasons they bought it in the first place.

That’s like a Halo game that doesn’t give you any weapons, or a Mario game where they forgot to put in a jump button.

Not that I’m surprised. This is Bioware. These people aren’t completely satisfied unless there is some arbitrary, game-killing bullshit in their products. Instead of being unplayable, they’ve just made it unreadable. When even people with the high-end HDTV’s this tactic is trying to convince more people to buy can’t fucking read the text, and you don’t include anything in the options to circumvent or rectify this, in a game where reading is the defining aspect of the game’s critical and popular significance, you have failed as game designers and as storytellers.

And if the only way you can think of to make a convincing case to buy an expensive television with a shorter lifespan than SDTV is to make your game WORSE to look at, you don’t deserve gainful employment.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Episodes 1-8:

OMG THERES THES BIG HUGE FUCKEN ROBOT MECH FUCKERZ AN SHIT AN TEHYR ALL BLAM KAPOW BOOM AN SHIT EXPLODS AND FLYS EVEYRWERE AND HOLY SHIT TAT CHICKS GOT HUGE TITZ LIKE HUGE FRIKKEN TITTIEZ BEST FUCKEN SHOW EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111#@@!$!^&635ONEONE

Episode 9:

OMG THERES THES BIG HUGE FUCKEN ROBOT MECH FUCKERZ AN SHIT AN TEHYR ALL BLAM KAPOW BOOM AN SHIT EXPLODS AND FLYS EVEYRWERE AND HOLY SHIT TAT CHICKS GOT HUGE TITZ LIKE HUGE FRIKKEN TITTIEZ BEST FUCKEN SHOW EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111#@@!$!^&635ONEONE

The first is sarcasm. The second is not. No program has inspired more people I respect to bug me to watch it. Everyone who has ever met this show and demanded I witness it for myself have said the same thing:

“The show doesn’t pick up until episode 8.”

One of them even provided this detailed graph.

This is exactly why I did not want to start watching it. Fuck you, it should not take almost ten episodes(or four hours) for a show to become worth my time. Fullmetal Alchemist doesn’t take 8 god damned episodes to start getting good. And they are all correct: The first eight episodes of “Tengen Toppa Gurenn Lagann” are some of the worst television I’ve seen in years.

The young destined boy who holds the key to salvation, but just has to BELIIIEEEEEEVE in himself. The female character who is only there to provide a revolting, obnoxious amount of fan-service. Incomprehensible Dragonball Z violence and macho-showboating, written and drawn by people compensating for depressing genitalia. The worthless cutesy mascot character made solely for merchandising purposes. A billion and one useless side characters that aren’t fleshed out or made interesting. The mysterious, innocent, soft-spoken girl of a different species who is the lead’s romantic interest and also the Deus Ex Machina. A weird, little, un-talking old guy who contributes precisely dick to the show. Pandering to the lowest common denominator. All production, no value.

OH BOY, I KNOW I’VE NEVER SEEN AN ANIME LIKE THIS BEFORE

It is absolutely everything I hate about Japanese animation. For eight episodes, it is “OVERKILL: The Animated Series“, which I am sure nine-year old boys the world over must think is just great. Good for them. Then all of a sudden it stopped sucking its own dick and started trying to be a legitimate tv show. Those first episodes are truly awful(I only sat through them out of obligation to someone who knows a hell of a lot more about anime than I do). But without them, would it have had as much of an impact in episode 8 when a certain something happens to a certain someone? What happens isn’t what interests me, but the fallout and the effect it has on the other characters. They actually become characters, and not just mass-marketing corporate vomit.

I went in expecting it to be over-hyped and overrated. I found it to be irredeemable trash. Then it suddenly became awesome. If it were a solid show all the way through the beginning stretch(and it is a stretch), would my expectations have been completely shattered like that?

YES! To anyone who wants to go into television(especially “big robots with boobs” television), this is exactly how you don’t start off a show. The first episode is always crappy compared to the rest of a program’s run, because at that point the creators are still finding the show’s “voice”. I can give that much leeway. But eight episodes of crap, in a row? You don’t have to make your story stink and then take people off their guard to be remembered.

Did this show change directors or something? I’ve never seen a show, anime or otherwise, take such a sudden u-turn in quality. It’s still cliché as hell, but at least now it feels like it’s earned the right. Much of this came through for me with the introduction of the “Nia” character, which I’m sure I’ll blather about later. It’s not that she’s anything I haven’t seen before. But in one episode, I already like her more than most demure “Eureka” types. A joke you’ve heard before can still be funny; it’s all in the pitch.

I’m glad it stopped trying so hard to be terrible. Now it won’t be an obligation to keep watching. And now you guys can stop pestering me to see it.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH OF MY CHARACTERS I HAVEN’T HAD PRACTICE DRAWING FOR IN A LONG TIME?

Yeah, I rank a Berenstain Bears feature film somewhere between intentionally sticking a piece of chicken in my eye, and a Half-Masked movie on the scale of stupid ideas.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

-Taxes
-Death
-and articles about how awesome cartoon show theme music used to be.

This won’t be a top 10 list. We’re all sick of those. But when discussing theme songs about transforming dinosaurs that shoot lasers at skeleton monsters, one must give props to the classics. “Transformers”. “Jem”. “The Raccoons”. The eighties had no short supply of kickass cartoon openings.

But for my money, the renaissance started to kick in with the full swing of the 90’s. We had Batman: The Animated Series aping the music from the Tim Burton movie. The American “Digimon” theme. X-Men the Animated Series. Iggy Pop’s “Monster Men” for the show “Space Goofs”. Many of the “Steven Spielberg presents…” cartoons as well, like Tiny Toons, Animaniacs and Freakazoid all had catchy opening numbers. Cybersix. If you haven’t heard any of those, get your butt on down to Youtube. You’ve got some catching up to do.

Disney might have the best track record for cartoon theme songs. Even if the quality of the show immediately after the songs were about as entertaining as a root canal. A root canal by a goat farmer who refuses to wash his hands. From the House of Mouse we got the theme songs to “Duck Tales”, “Tale Spin”, “Bonkers!”, “Gummi Bears” and fucking “Gargoyles”. I think to consider yourself a musical success, you need only compose half that many boss theme songs in your time on planet Earth.

It occurs to me(after much more thought than is healthy) that perhaps no theme song, cartoon or otherwise, is more instantly recognizable than that of a certain cartoon theme song. Can you guess which one?

My favourite theme song comes courtesy of Doctor Who, but Cracked.com pointed out that you can’t go into any random location with people, start the first few notes of the Doctor Who theme and have everyone be on the same page. There are starving children in Africa who have never heard of a television, and they know this theme by heart. It has become tattooed on our musical subconscious.

That is why, if ever our planet is called upon to represent itself among other space-faring species, in some Intergalactic United Nations, I nominate this song to be our planet’s anthem.

Kids would be more than happy to go to school, if they had to sing THAT every morning, their hands pressed to their little hearts. That is how you start the day, goddamn it. That is how you get kids to take an interest in learning, and it’s good to show pride for your space rock.

END OF LINE

~A.H.