“Valve, your game couldn’t be worse if it made us play as the Cheetahmen.”
^ -That’s a line I really wish I had put in my initial review, but only just recently thought of. Don’t look at the comic above and tell me you wouldn’t pay good money for DLC that replaced the cast with any of those options.
Will the “surprise” announcement from Valve at E3 be the unveiling of a new Left 4 Dead? If it is, I hope we get a better, more memorable bunch to play with than these nimrods. Although I’m leaning more towards “Orange Box 2″.
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~A.H.
May 19th, 2010
Considering the new Olympic logo looks like Lisa Simpson giving someone a blowjob, I guess it’s only fitting that the mascots should be two anthropomorphic dicks.
I gotta hand it to Britain: They’re starting to give Japan a run for its money.
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~A.H.
May 15th, 2010
I read the last new Azumanga Daioh comics. After 20,000 words, I still feel I haven’t lavished enough praise on Kiyohiko Azuma. This stuff is just as much a work of mad genius as the show. I’m not sure a funnier comic strip exists. And lordy, he still found a way to throw in some poignancy.
Example: One scene has two of the girls “pretending to be psychic”, trying to guess what their friends are thinking and responding thusly. It doesn’t work at first. Osaka tries again, looking at her silent classmate. This is a girl who keeps a lot of her feelings to herself, achingly wants to be included with friends but is surrounded by an aura and reputation of being a cool loner. We see on many occasions that she yearns for company, an unmistakable void in her heart.
What does Osaka say, trying to guess her thoughts?
You know what she says?
“You’re not alone.”
I didn’t see it coming. That’s like a drive-by heartwarming.
Plus, there were turtles. That was awesome. Human compassion and turtles are the two ingredients to any successful story. And for a man who is sick of stories ending against the backdrop of a sunset, who finds the prospect of new beginnings more interesting and entertaining, I think the end of this series and these characters is absolutely perfect.
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I’ve also begun reading Yotsuba&!, also by Azuma. I had no idea just how good an artist he is until he was freed from those tiny four panel strips. It is so far a joyously funny look at early childhood, with many “I did that when I was a kid!” moments. Can’t wait to read more.
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~A.H.
May 12th, 2010
I want a very specific video game. I want a game about a rag-tag group of survivors in a zombie apocalypse. I want the characters to be diverse, interesting, well-designed and well-acted. I want the game to take a break from the action now and then. I want there to be uneasy quiet, time for contemplation, and conversation that reveals the inner weakness of these souls now dependent on each other. I want them to perhaps realize just how important they are to each other regardless of the circumstances. Essentially I want characters that I can care about.
I want it to be a slow-crawl, not unlike Silent Hill. I want it to be scary. I want tension and dread to build up. I want to be able to investigate abandoned houses and the fallen for food scraps and such. I want to never be sure if there is something waiting for me in the dark. I want levels that take place during the night, and a flashlight with a battery that can be depleted. I want batteries to be rare. I want moments where there isn’t a zombie in sight. I want moments where there are always more zombies than ammunition. I want to be able to clear a room and not have to worry about zombies spawning directly behind or in front of me.
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April 19th, 2010
by Alex Hill
A small world the size of a 1st-world nation hangs in the sky, above a merciless planet where the cruel laws of nature preside. “Cocoon” is the technologically advanced sky-city, with a perpetually-panicked populace. This artificial planet has its own atmosphere, various land-formations, weather that can be changed on the fly. They live prosperously under a religious military sect, but always fear invasion from the gargantuan beast below. What makes this interesting is that the inhabitants of “Pulse”, the beautiful and merciless wilderness, are all dead. The leaders of Cocoon incite fear to keep the people dependent on them.
A few have had enough. They are branded as “enemies of Cocoon” called l’Cie. They are tasked with either destroying Cocoon, or becoming ravening, brainless monsters. And there is an invisible deadline. This creates an underlying tension, especially since this band of heroes aren’t entirely sure on what their goal is supposed to be from the start, and they aren’t all in agreement once they do. I just wish more of the game were as interesting as its concept.
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April 7th, 2010
by Alex Hill
I must confess that I never finished the first “Mass Effect”. I was impressed by its dialogue and scope, but spurned by its schizophrenic difficulty, and its sterile art design. I hated even trying to keep track of the inventory, one of the worst I’ve seen in an RPG. It was unmistakably a Bioware game: An interesting concept and characters that leave a good impression, trapped in a terrible video game.
I never realized how much I hated a lot of the first game’s features until they were gone, exorcised from its sequel like a gangrenous limb. Mass Effect 2 is the first game by Bioware that I could actual play, instead of struggle with. Complexity can work in some games, and finally, FINALLY, this developer understands that it does not belong here. The characters and dramatic situations it gives us are complex enough, and by streamlining the game mechanics, the plot is given room to shine.
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March 20th, 2010
I’ve spent the last few months trying to figure out what the Grand Jury Prize should be for 2009. (A supplement to the Favourite Things list I do annually. Think of it as an alternative to 1st place. The first winner was Jonathan Blow’s “Braid”.) Here’s the list of possibles going through my head for last year:
- -Jack Black in “Brutal Legend”
- -Midnight Riders in “Left 4 Dead 2″
- -and at least one spot saved for the wii game “Fragile”, in case that turns out to be as good as it looks.
I was putting it off. I didn’t want to put down something I’d regret later. A couple of days ago I watched Tokyo Magnitude 8.0 and threw that list away. We have a winner.
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March 9th, 2010
This is an elaboration of a correspondence I sent to Russ Pitts, Editor-In-Chief of “The Escapist”. This is in response to an eye-popping decision in their awards. For “Game of the Decade”, there are only three nominations.
I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in…
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March 9th, 2010
David Wong recently wrote a Cracked.com article called “5 Creepy Ways Video Games Are Trying To Get You Addicted“. It is a worrying read. All through it, I thought back to Left 4 Dead 2. Here is the worst kind of game, a needlessly awful, “hair-pulling frustratathon”, that for some reason makes you think the next time it won’t be so bad. The jackpot is always seemingly around the corner, and then you’ve lost several hours of your life just trying to get to the end of a campaign on freaking Normal mode.
Addictive gameplay can be a positive thing in certain video games. Not here. And to those of you who think I can’t make an opinion because I haven’t tried it on Xbox Live, you may proceed directly to kiss my ass, because I endured two separate, equally hellish month-long free trials to see if that theory holds weight. I don’t think this game has the capacity to ruin my life as much as Everquest and World of Warcraft have(and continue to do) for many people, but I won’t allow it the chance to try. I’m trading that shit in, and if they won’t accept it, I will set fire to it.
I’m not kidding. It is the first game since E.T. for the Atari that warrants having every remaining copy rounded up and destroyed, to spare future generations of its wrath.
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March 6th, 2010
by Alex Hill
It’s been so long since Aliens and Terminator 2, I’d forgotten what a good James Cameron movie looks like. “Avatar” is a movie of incredible sights and sounds, a peek at a bizarrely beautiful(and dangerous) world, of which Cameron and his staff have spent more than a decade crafting. The end product is a big, ambitious romp, some of the best popcorn entertainment this side of Star Wars. But perhaps it is overlong, and unlike Star Wars, the simplicity of its message works against it.
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February 23rd, 2010
Announcer Bitch: Now here comes our next skier, representing China.
Announcer Douche: Boy, all of this snow must remind him of a bowl of rice.
I don’t remember who, or when, or what station, because normally the Olympics appeals to my interests just slightly less than detailed write-ups of the tax benefits for fake vomit companies. Maybe I just imagined it. But I could swear this is an actual thing that was said. On international television during one of the most-watched events in the world. By a Canadian.
No, really.
I am going to avoid the rest of the events, for fear of what vile word-sludge will seep out of their jaws next. Can you imagine what their response would be to a black contestant at the top of the hill?
Announcer Bitch: “…representing Kenya.”
Announcer Douche: “Boy, all of this snow must remind him of the cotton fields, BECAUSE 1950′S-ERA RACIALLY INSENSITIVITY IN 2010 IS OKAY, RIGHT????”
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~A.H.
